Me, I live for this steroids soap opera
Listen, it's clear a lot of you are tired of baseball's sordid steroids story.
However, sad to say, I can't get enough of it.
Alex Rodriguez's news conference Tuesday afternoon reminded me of a "Seinfeld" episode that reminded me of my own pathetic existence.
Jerry and Elaine lapse into a - let's just say into a physical relationship. The next day Jerry tells George about it but says he isn't in the mood to provide details.
"Now you listen to me," George responds. "I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job. I have no place to go - You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!"
That's what I feel like screaming at A-Rod, Bud Selig, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Donald Fehr, Mark McGwire - to all of them.
Tell me what you know, in detail, and when you knew it.
I have no life or money. When the slumping stock market was closed Monday it was like my last-place team being rained out. McDonald's is a gourmet meal now. Winter stinks. The newspaper business stinks. My back hurts. Britney isn't returning my calls.
So, guys, "Get in the mood. I want details and I want them right now!"
Seriously, what did I have better to do Tuesday, tune in "As the World Turns"? No, I was going to watch Rodriguez be injected with another dose of public humiliation.
The 26-question spectacle - somebody actually counted - was destined to disappoint. Nothing can satisfy my appetite for baseball dirt.
Still it was fascinating. What I kept thinking was the Rock should play A-Rod in "The Steroid Era" movie. Larry David could revive his role as one of the Steinbrenners. Any of the nerds on "The Big Bang Theory" could play Selig.
All this is just a feature film waiting to happen, right? Or at least a TV reality series waiting to not be scripted but in reality scripted?
Anyway, the Rodriguez show was like lunch at a place with inferior food but large portions. It left a bad taste in your mouth but might hold you until dinner.
Rodriguez provided some details, if you believe him: His cousin bought the steroids, they were injected rather taken in pill form, and A-Rod's plea is stupidity.
The stupid-naïve-irresponsible-silly defense would be OK if we didn't learn in kindergarten that ignorance is no excuse for the law.
Overall, A-Rod's explanations suffered more holes during 35 minutes than the Cubs' infield has during the past 100 years.
Rodriguez tried everything, including invoking the value of college and the name of God. He choked up when thanking his Yankees teammates for their support.
Meanwhile, skeptics rolled their eyes, raised their eyebrows and shook their heads.
Considering A-Rod's squandered credibility, it seemed he would leave the media tent, go straight to the set of "One Life to Live" and play the illegitimate son of a formerly Asian man turned African-American who died but returned on a UFO with wings from a '59 Chevy.
Yet, despite all the presumed fiction I can't get enough of these steroid sideshows.
Bring on another superstar squirming before Congress, another leak of grand-jury testimony and another list of 104 players who tested positive.
I want more details and I want them now.
mimrem@dailyherald.com