'Friday the 13th' remake frighteningly predictable

Marcus Nispel's stylistically challenged, too-faithful remake of the 1980 hit horror film "Friday the 13th" operates like a cinematic jack-in-the-box.

Its shock value derives not from well-crafted suspense or a growing sense of dread, but from a series of calculated jolts where objects and people suddenly appear on the screen accompanied by loud, jarring noises on the soundtrack.

So, if you are easily frightened by things suddenly appearing, or by loud and jarring noises, or by people's heads being penetrated by arrows, machetes and screwdrivers, Nispel's remake will be very scary. But if you get tired of scenes where you can practically count to three each time before something "scary" happens, maybe not.

Last month, "My Bloody Valentine 3-D" updated and upgraded a stupefyingly awful 1981 horror tale by giving the plot a new twist, maximizing its use of restrained 3-D effects and giving its nudity-and-violence-packed story a tongue-in-cheek sense of fun.

About the only significant difference in Nispel's remake of Sean S. Cunningham's original film is the addition of a brother-and-sister tag team trying to escape from the villainous boogeyman Jason Voorhees, played by Derek Mears. (Historical note: This Jason quickly wears his infamous hockey mask, a momentous event that didn't occur in the previous series until 1982's "Friday the 13th III 3-D .")

"Friday the 13th" begins with a gratuitous flashback to 1980 when we see the ending of Cunningham's film played out by two new actors replacing Adrienne King and Betsy Palmer. Couldn't this background have been more effectively covered in one of those scary campfire stories?

A fresh group of obnoxious young people with sex and drugs on their minds arrives near the legendary Camp Crystal Lake. Mike (Nick Mennell) and Wade (Chicago's own Jonathan Sadowski) are looking for a huge marijuana field reported to be in the area. When they dare to set up camp, each person meets a horrible fate by fire, machete and bear trap.

This extended opening sequence runs up the 28-minute mark before "Friday the 13th" officially begins with its main plot, set six weeks later when a second fresh group of obnoxious young people with sex and drugs on their minds arrives for a weekend at a posh summer home owned by the parents of snooty party boy Trent (Travis Van Winkle).

His disrespectful group uses racially insensitive language, guzzles booze, inhales bongs, engages in guiltless, recreational sex, goes water skiing topless, and wears offensive T-shirts. So you know right away they all deserve to be killed.

An outsider shows up. Clay Miller (Jared Padalecki) is a rebel. You can tell because he rides a motorcycle. He's searching for his sister Whitney (Amanda Righetti), one of the members in the first group of obnoxious young people.

Trent doesn't like that his girlfriend Jenna (Danielle Panabaker) takes a shine to Clay. But does anyone care about the superficial relationships in a "Friday the 13th" chop-'em-up?

Nispel, a rock video director who already destroyed the 1975 horror classic "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" with his tepid 2003 remake, enjoys a much larger budget than Cunningham did back in the day. Yet, Nispel's direction feels so mechanical and listless, the lower-quality "Friday" packs much more ominous atmosphere and tension.

Nispel, operating from a cliche-riddled script, throws in an underwater shot inspired by the opening of "Jaws," plus a louvered closet door homage to "Halloween" and a shower scene nod to "Psycho."

But the mere mention of these classics in the same review with this remake feels like some kind of culture crime.

"Friday the 13th"

Rating: 1½ stars

Starring: Jared Padalecki, Derek Mears, Travis Van Winkle, Amanda Righetti, Danielle Panabaker

Directed by: Marcus Nispel

Other: A Paramount Pictures release. Rated R for drug use, language, nudity, sexual situations and violence. 97 minutes

<div class="infoBox"> <h1>More Coverage</h1> <div class="infoBoxContent"> <div class="infoArea"> <h2>Stories</h2> <ul class="links"> <li><a href="/story/?id=271300">Was original 'Friday the 13th' the most influential film of its decade? <span class="date">[02/12/09]</span></a></li> </ul> </div> </div> </div>