Parents, sitters: Give yourself a break before anger turns violent
The death of a child at a daycare center in Lincolnshire this past weekend raised the specter of anger against children turning to violence.
Parents or caregivers can reach the point where a child drives them to the end of their patience. The important thing, experts say, is to step back, and give yourself a moment to collect your thoughts without lashing out.
While some parents debate the appropriateness of deliberate spanking, experts agree it is never permissible to strike a child in anger. Their common theme is that caregivers can't do it alone; they need help.
Social psychologist Susan Newman, best-selling author of "The Book of NO" and "Singletons" blogger for Psychology Today, offers a few practical tips to keep parents and sitters from reaching the end of the rope:
•Take breaks, if you can.
Arrange for a spouse, relative, neighbor or even a high school baby sitter to come at "the witching hour," whenever the children get most difficult to handle - usually at dinner time.
"That's when you're most likely to lose your temper because you're trying to keep them amused and fix dinner and you're exhausted," Newman said. "Arrange with your partner so when he walks in, he takes over."
If that's not possible, try to take advantage of naps or independent playtime to take your own timeout, or if it's safe, leave your child alone briefly to cool down.
•Get out of the house and get exercise. Put young children in a stroller for a walk, or go to an indoor facility like a YMCA or somewhere the kids can burn off some energy.
• Arrange a hotline with a couple of friends, so when you feel like you're losing it, you can talk to someone to commiserate and cool down with.
•Count to 10 before you explode.
Consider how you're about to react, keep it appropriate to the offense, and consider whether you're upset with the child, with yourself, or something or somebody body else.
•If you do lose your temper, apologize.
You'll feel better, and your child will learn it's OK to own up to a mistake.
•Decide in advance what's acceptable behavior and what isn't, and clarify that with your children who are old enough to understand. Then you can reinforce the lesson without it getting lost in the emotion of the moment.
•To raise your patience level, try to view the time your spending with your child as a rare delight. It won't last long, so try to see the humor in trying situations.
When Newman got frustrated and squeezed her 4-year-old's arm too hard once, he looked at her with a straight face and said he was calling children and family services. She laughed, and they still laugh about it years later.
Beyond that practical advice, Dr. Robert Needlman, co-author of "Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care," says there's a deeper question caregivers should ask themselves about their own upbringing.
If you witnessed or experienced violence against yourself or loved ones, that puts you at risk for acting out in violent ways against children.
Caregivers sometimes get mad, yell, or throw something like a pillow, but anything that hurts or scares a child is going too far.
In such cases, plan to get help ahead of time. Have a friend or family member to talk to and get support from. Arrange some way to take a brief break when you need it, especially if you have a child with special disabilities or needs.
Needlman remembered when his daughter was 2 and kept asking for a book, but he couldn't figure out which one, so he ended up throwing book after book on the floor in frustration. No harm done, the girl ended up an avid reader, and Needlman founded a literacy program called "Reach Out and Read."
"Nobody gets through it without losing it sometime," he said. "It means you need somebody to listen and help."