'Blart' not smart, but James gets a good part
It takes "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" 11 minutes before the titular character flashes us the familiar "thumbs up" gesture, a visual device designed to subconsciously convince us that we're watching a critically acclaimed motion picture.
It only takes 12 minutes before we see the introduction of the hero's love interest - in cliched slow motion.
By minute 24, we're treated to our second obligatory pop-song montage, with the first one clocking in at around the nine-minute mark.
In "Mall Cop," even Blart comes off as a walking Hollywood cliché, a lovable tubby guy who solicits sympathy by pining for true love, and who elicits laughs by uncontrollably stuffing his face.
Comedian Kevin James, mostly known as the star of TV's "The King of Queens," tries his best to give Blart some depth and complexity, but there's little room for character development in a shopping mall "Die Hard" parody where the criminals all go by the names of Santa's reindeers.
At the beginning, we learn how Blart wanted to be a state trooper, but a bad case of hyperglycemia prevented him from making the cut. Now working as a security guard, Blart keeps busy by ticketing senior citizens for speeding on their scooters and by tooling around the mall on his own Segway PT.
At home, his concerned mom (Shirley Knight) enables Blart by supplying him with endless food. His daughter Maya (Raini Rodriguez) worries about his love life and hooks him up with an online dating service. Darn her illegal immigrant mother for deserting the family after marrying Dad to obtain citizenship!
At the mall, Blart becomes fascinated by a new vendor, the lovely Amy (Jayma Mays), who runs a hair extension kiosk called "Unbeweavable." (This is also the funniest joke in the movie.)
Just as our eyes are about to glaze over with exposition at the 35-minute marker, the plot of "Mall Cop" kicks in.
On Black Friday, a group of organized thugs takes over the mall and chases away all the customers. This by itself would constitute an act of terrorism for merchants. But the thugs are after credit card numbers, and they're willing to hold several mall residents hostage, including Amy.
Blart must dig deep to discover the Bruce Willis within if he's to save the day. He even borrows dialogue from "Die Hard" - "Think! Think!"
James, who co-wrote the script and produced the movie (along with Adam Sandler), has an engaging presence, and he possesses the surprising agility of a John Belushi in many stunts where he clearly doesn't use a double.
"Mall Cop" fits nicely in with the canon of superficial, obvious, but popular comedies from director Steve Carr, among them "Daddy Day Care" and "Dr. Dolittle 2."
People who liked those movies will probably like this one, too.
But both James and Blart deserve a better movie than this. So do we.
"Paul Blart: Mall Cop"
Rating: 1½ stars
Starring: Kevin James, Jayma Mays, Bobby Cannavale, Shirley Knight
Directed by: Steve Carr
Other: A Columbia Pictures release. Rated PG. 100 minutes