Those annoying things we hate at restaurants

Dining out should be one of life's pleasures, a mini-vacation from everyday reality in a place where charming people smile and appear to enjoy giving you a good time.

Sometimes, the opposite can be true, with eateries offering dull food accompanied by service that is either inattentive or so annoyingly insincere and intrusive, it's difficult to relax.

Here are the top complaints found in the "The Good Food Guide," and a few of my own, that restaurants might want to keep in mind when trying to boost business.

Double-tipping: This is the nasty habit of leaving a space for a tip on your credit-card slip after including a service charge in the bill. I consider this particularly insidious as it's dishonest and can leave the most generous of diners feeling embarrassed and mean at the end of an otherwise enjoyable meal.

Overattentive waiters: Having your wine or water glass topped up too frequently or being interrupted to be asked if everything's all right can ruin conversations. In such situations, it may be difficult to find a waiter when you actually want one.

Stealth charges: This is the small print mentioning a cover charge or a charge for bread, olives or petits fours.

Small portions: This is all right in tapas establishments, but it seems distinctly ungenerous in other restaurants.

Turning tables: That's asking people to leave before they are ready because the next group of diners is ready. This is common in restaurants where a table is an expensive piece of real estate you effectively rent by the hour. Recession may sort this one out.

Charging for tap water: I'm happy to say I haven't come across this practice, though it's common to be asked if you want still or sparkling, as though tap water wasn't an option. I feel a bit embarrassed having to ask for the tap water, though I suspect bottled water will become more of a green issue this year.

Bad table placement: Bunched-together tables can leave you feeling you've had the wrong sort of intimate evening where you can become very well-acquainted with other diners at groin level as they try to reach their seats. On the other hand, more tables can mean lower prices, which is good.

Lost in translation: If your menu is in English, stick to English. Not everyone knows what sauce aigre-douce is.

Well-seasoned: Open salt and pepper bowls may be modish, but who knows whose fingers have been there? It's also hard to disagree with this, but I never touch the salt and pepper anyway. Chefs are paid to sort out the seasoning so that I don't have to.

Concept menus: Ones where waiters have to explain to you how to order. Dining should be about relaxing, not conceptualizing.

Snooty staff members: You know the ones. They correct your pronunciation of dishes or express surprise at your preference for wine, then vanish when they realize things aren't looking good for tips.

My own prediction for this year is that many restaurants are going to have to focus very hard on customer satisfaction if they are to survive, so I am hopeful we all can enjoy better food, better value and better service. Pass the salt.