Big Ten a joke ... and that's no joke

Nobody ever takes me seriously.

My proposal to match Ball State and USC in the Rose Bowl was dismissed.

Consequently, all parties lost: A disappointed Ball State proceeded to lose the MAC title; Penn State went to Pasadena and was trounced by USC; and the Trojans lost a chance for the national title because beating a Big Ten team wins few points.

Maybe somebody will listen to me now.

Here's my latest recommendation: Instead of the Pac-10 against the Big Ten every year, USC's first team should play USC's second team.

OK, so that's a joke. What else would you expect? Everybody else is poking fun at Big Ten football. Hey, you run out of Notre Dame one-liners after awhile, don't you?

Discussing Penn State's prospects for next season, ESPN's Lee Corso said, "They've got a good advantage - they play in the Big Ten."

The point, of course, was that the Nittany Lions would face much less formidable competition than, say, the Chicago Bliss will in the Lingerie Football League.

The Big Ten has become sort of like the Paris Hilton of college football - wealthy via birthright and famous beyond explanation.

Or more relevantly, the Big Ten has become what Notre Dame was and to some degree still is. Despite a program that deteriorated to the level somewhere between Purdue and Muncie Central, people still want to throw things the Irish's way.

No, I don't mean the snowballs the student section pelted Notre Dame players and coaches with late in the season. I mean television contracts and prime-time exposure and bowl bids that should go to more deserving schools.

Notre Dame has regressed so dramatically that not long ago those bowl gifts used to be big-money BCS games. This season's was a trip to Hawaii when the Irish belonged in Shreveport.

That's no joke, and neither is the impression that the Big Ten is the new Notre Dame.

This has become a second-tier football conference, yet too many of its teams continue to be invited to too many top-tier bowls.

It's sort of like the geekiest kid in school getting to go to the dance with the homecoming queen because his parents own the bank and her parents need a loan.

Seven Big Ten teams deserved bowl bids this season like the Seven Dwarfs deserved bids to an NBA tryout camp.

Penn State belonged on the same Rose Bowl field as USC like Madonna belongs in a room full of librarians.

The Big Ten was worthy of a second BCS berth - Ohio State against Texas in Monday night's Fiesta Bowl - like Gov. Blago is worthy of a third term.

The funny thing is, this isn't necessarily all that funny when you think of all the brainiacs around the Big Ten.

As an Illinois alumnus, it seems to me that a conference comprised of great research universities should be able to go into the laboratory and concoct the formula for a dominant football program.

Ah, but that hasn't happened yet, so the Big Ten remains mediocre and goes a sub-mediocre 1-6 or 2-5 in bowl games.

No wonder that a while ago the Big Ten pursued Notre Dame to become its 12th member.

The jokesters at ESPN would really have a good laugh these days if that ever happened.

mimrem@dailyherald.com