You can close the book on these 'Bedtime Stories'

In the fanciful comedy "Bedtime Stories," every joke has either been spelled out and dumbed down or propped up with wacky animals emitting flatulence (a horse) or staring at us with large Carol Channing eyes (a guinea pig).

In short, "Bedtime Stories" is an Adam Sandler comedy going straight for the kiddie market. But don't kids deserve something better than this shallow, cliche-riddled attempt at a heartwarming fantasy?

Let's start with the film's narrator, Marty Bronson, played by British actor Jonathan Pryce. Apparently, he's been dead for a while. Yet, he still talks to us. How exactly does that work?

Marty also talks directly to his son, Skeeter Bronson. played by Sandler, who doesn't appear to be remotely disturbed or excited that dead Dad is giving him a pep talk from the other side.

Next problem: the TV trailers providing us misleading information about the plot to "Bedtime Stories." They make it appear as if the fantastic stories Skeeter tells his niece and nephew come true. (We've all seen it raining gumballs on Skeeter, haven't we?)

Not exactly accurate. Skeeter thinks the stories become true because sheer coincidence leads him to conclude that whatever story he tells little Patrick and Bobbi (Jonathan Morgan Heit and Laura Ann Kesling) will become reality, especially if they add stuff to it.

It starts when Skeeter's sister Wendy (Courteney Cox) has to take off on a business trip, so she leaves the sheltered Patrick and Bobbi in Skeeter's hands overnight. During the day, her drop-dead gorgeous pal Jill (Keri Russell) watches them, and can't wait to get away from the infantile Skeeter. We can guess that won't last long.

Skeeter's a mess. As we learn in the introduction, he works as a handyman for a big hotel owned by the uppity Barry Nottingham (Richard Griffiths), who bought the family business from Marty, after promising he'd hire Skeeter to run the place. But that job falls to the glad-handing Kendall (Guy Pearce), an unctuous Brit twit engaged to the ultra-hot Violet Nottingham (Teresa Palmer), the boss' daughter.

All Skeeter wants is a chance to prove he can run the hotel. But first, he becomes obsessed with the intriguing idea that the stories he shares with the kids will influence his destiny.

"There are no happy endings in real life," he tells them bluntly. But we suspect he doesn't really believe that.

"Bedtime Stories" may be PG-rated, but Sandler still pushes his expected brand of infantile humor, from trying to speak (with help from his funny Brit pal Russell Brand) with a bee-stung tongue to sporting the worst haircut since Rod Blagojevich's coiffure.

This movie reads like a laundry list of brain-dead clichés. Verbal ones ("Trust me!" Cox burbles. "My bad!" Sandler says) and visual ones (balloons, an amusement park, a cutesy-poo license plate and a chubby guy flashing a "thumbs up" - twice).

Sandler even throws in the tired "singing along with the car radio" routine. At a Monday night preview of "Bedtime Stories," even the kiddies didn't seem all that amused.