Season's beatings: 10 antidotes for holiday music burnout

For those who don't get into Christmas, this time of year can still have its charms. Reunions with family and friends, garish adornments, twinkling bells, blazing lights, spicy baked goods and booze-infused cholesterol are generally fun.

Still, folks tend to take the holiday way too seriously, from the cheerfully pious to those who can't stand pine trees, nutmeg or their families. Music at Christmas is no different - it's typically too sweet or too sour.

To me, the best "sincere" holiday songs capture that chilly-yet-toasty feeling without getting too religious about it. Otherwise, I'm all for taking Santa down a few pegs. If you're with me, here are ten irreverent holiday numbers to help you get through the season, presented in chronological order.

Stan Freberg, "Green Chri$tma$" (1958)

Satirist and American treasure Freberg takes on the commodification of the holiday in his still-relevant novelty classic. It's essentially a skit set during an advertising meeting, a seven-minute whirlwind of short songs and slogans over which Freberg presides as a blustery Mr. Scrooge. Daws Butler (the voice of Yogi Bear) plays Bob Cratchit, an adman who cannot fathom why his client, a spice company, should exploit Christmas. This track was released fifty years ago, so the next time you hear someone say "Christmas is becoming too commercial," remind him that it's been that way for a long time.

The Kinks, "Father Christmas" (1977)

Ray Davies always tells a great story, such as the one at hand about getting his butt kicked by a bunch of poor kids while playing a department store Santa. The song is a super catchy proto-punk rocker with a corker of a singalong chorus, deserving its status as a staple of '70s Brit rock Christmas playlists alongside Slade's jolly "Merry Xmas Everybody" and Greg Lake's arch "I Believe in Father Christmas." Its intentions are good - reflect upon those who have less than you do - but the delivery is pure gin and venom.

Meco, "What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)" (1980)

"Christmas in the Stars," aka "the 'Star Wars' Christmas album," has nothing to do with the infamous 1978 TV holiday special. George Lucas presumably signed off on it, but the guy responsible for the music was Meco Monardo, who made a career out of "Star Wars" tie-in music, from the great disco medley of John Williams' score to the "Ewok Celebration" LP. This ridiculous ditty, sung by droids assembling presents for Rebel Alliance heroes, got to No. 69 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. The album is available on CD, and is recommended for anyone who thinks holiday music is more fun the more annoying it gets, as well as for those poor souls still loyal to Lucas' diminishing returns.

King Diamond, "No Presents for Christmas" (1985)

Tiny, face-painted Dane King Diamond made his reputation with an arsenal of falsetto wails and theatrical grunts in Mercyful Fate, the first serious Satanic heavy metal band that was any good. His first solo single after that band split, this typically schizophrenic tune shreds among several musical themes, but it's uniquely silly and lighthearted among Diamond's catalog of coven calls and gothic horror tales. That could just be the sound of a Church of Satan guy mocking a holy day, gleeful that the "presents" in the title can be interpreted as a homonym.

"Weird Al" Yankovic, "Christmas at Ground Zero" (1986)

Of all the artists whose songs were pulled from the airwaves after Sept. 11, pop jester "Weird Al" seemed an unlikely candidate. But just as most people don't realize that he doesn't only do parodies, they also don't acknowledge his dark side. The lyrics of his first holiday tune, this Phil Spector-ish Cold War reminder temporarily banned in '01, are so sarcastically macabre you might guess they were written by the Dead Kennedys' Jell-O Biafra. Its great video, consisting almost entirely of stock footage, was Al's directorial debut.

The Pogues, "Fairytale of New York" (1987)

Just as you're bound to hear Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A." inappropriately blared at any July 4th fireworks display, this complicated conversation between feuding longtime lovers pops up on a lot of mainstream holiday compilations. A surefire tear-jerker, but not a feel-good one, the bittersweet Celtic number has somehow become accepted as a Christmas classic. If your holidays typically signal acrimony and arguments, you'll understand. In 2005, it was rereleased in the UK as a fundraising single for a group demanding justice for the death of singer Kirsty MacColl, who joined the Pogues' lovably drunk and contentious Shane MacGowan on vocals here.

Eazy-E, "Merry Mutha (expletive) Xmas" (1992)

Former gangbanger and dealer Eazy-E made his legacy on songs about violence, sex, drugs and having violent sex while on drugs. His sole contribution to the seasonal canon shows how crucial Ice Cube's lyrics were to Eazy's early success, as by this time he was a walking caricature of gangsta hedonism. Sure made for a hilariously juvenile Christmas tune, though (even if, like Kurtis Blow's "Christmas Rappin'" before it, the rhymes don't really have much to do with the holiday). Notable guests on the track include comedian Rudy Ray Moore, in his eternal role as Dolemite, and "Will 1X and A.T.B.A.N. Klann," then part of Eazy's Ruthless Records roster but now known as pop-rappers will.i.am and The Black Eyed Peas.

The Crypt Keeper, "We Wish You'd Bury the Missus" (1995)

Even at a point in history when about 200 killer Santa Claus movies have been released, horror-themed holiday albums like "Tales from the Crypt: Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas" are rare. In keeping with the EC/HBO "Tales" tradition, the disc is loaded with gore-rible puns that constantly steer every cutesy seasonal trope toward morbid mockery. The grossest is "Missus," in which neighbors beg a guy to finally dispose of the wife he killed the previous holiday. I try to listen to this CD every year while wrapping presents. After an afternoon at the mall, it always helps my mood.

The Vandals, "Oi to the World!" (1996)

The realm of punk rock offers enough great untraditional holiday songs to fill this list alone, but with such an easy target, it's rare to find a good Christmas punk tune that's irreverent but not completely snotty. Veteran California pranksters The Vandals offer just that. Doubling as a tribute to classic British street punk (from Dave Quackenbush's fake Cockney accent to the band's oi! chants), it's a nice story about an Indian kid and a white skinhead who get into a fight at a punk show, but who eventually bond in the spirit of the season. No Doubt later sucked the joy out of it on the 1997 compilation "A Very Special Christmas 3."

Mr. Garrison, "Merry (expletive) Christmas" (1999)

During the third season of "South Park," the simple, savage cartoon's holiday episode spawned a tie-in CD of the same name, "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics." Many of its songs benefit from familiarity with the episode, but context isn't necessary for this one, in which grade school teacher Mr. Garrison gleefully shoves the holiday down the throats of every non-Christian group he can name: "In case you haven't noticed/It's Jesus' birthday." It bluntly questions the possibly intolerant motives of anyone who says, "I'm still going to wish people 'Merry Christmas,' whether they celebrate or not."