Tales from the trail 3 weeks before Election Day

COLUMBIA, Mo. - More than 170 years have passed since Huck Finn floated down the Mississippi River, propelled by Mark Twain's pen.

Since then, there have been 37 U.S. presidents and all of them looked alike.

They were white.

In Huck Finn's time, the presidents were named Jackson, Van Buren, Tyler and Polk.

If Finn was to drift down the Mississippi River today, he would see a large, homemade presidential campaign sign stuck in a mud bar right in the middle of the river.

It is impossible to miss while driving from Illinois to Missouri on the I-270 span over the river.

O B A M A.

Somebody either waded out or jumped from a boat to put it there.

And you can't help but wonder what Huck Finn would say if he saw it. Better yet, what would his traveling partner make of Barack Obama?

You remember Finn's fictitious raft mate, Jim?

He was a runaway slave.

Would the man responsible for the following quotation get your vote for president?

"The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."

Would he get your vote? Stay tuned.

First, though:

• If Obama and John McCain are an open book as they both claim, then why are they hiding certain chapters from us?

Mr. Obama refuses to make public his personal medical records. Voters are just supposed to accept that he is in good health. But as a longtime cigarette smoker who said he finally quit, Mr. Obama recently admitted that he still smokes.

A 47-year-old smoker who has a family history of cancer and wants to be president should release his medical records. Why the secrecy?

Because of his age and injuries suffered while a POW in Vietnam, Mr. McCain has released his complete medical file. But the GOP candidate has not made public the complete income tax returns for him and his wife.

John and Cindy McCain have filed separately during their 27-year marriage. Mr. McCain has released his own tax returns. She has not.

When you are the closest adviser to a man who wants to be president, you would live in the White House with him and represent the United States at official functions, your personal wealth estimated at $100 million (including eight to 10 houses) should be a public matter.

Why the secrecy?

The Obamas have released their joint returns.

• Have you visited the Obama Store lately? Pins, stickers, placards, posters and lawn signs are for sale. There was a time when candidates would give away such campaign trinkets for free advertising.

Not the Democrats. They are now offering designer shirts for $45-$70 along with $12-$15 coffee mugs and plastic water bottles.

"All of our products are top quality, union and USA made and produced," pledges the Web site. "All purchases made on the Obama Store are 100% contributions to the campaign and count toward your overall contribution limit."

The McCain/Palin campaign doesn't have a store, but in the interest of capitalism, their Web site sends you to a couple of "independent, for-profit companies" that sell their T-shirts and buttons, some of which spell Palin with a bright red lipstick tube in place of the letter i.

Obama keeps the money from souvenir sales.

"Proceeds from sales of merchandise do not benefit McCain-Palin 2008 and should not be considered campaign contributions," warns the Republican candidates' Web site.

• Does anybody really care about the incessant back-and-forth concerning the intricacies of their Senate votes? Seriously, with the economy crashing, the candidates' give and take about Senate minutia is like arguing about the tip at the Last Supper.

• Finally, back to that common-sense quote about the need for a balanced national budget; reducing the public debt; moderating and controlling the arrogance of authorities; and cutting payments to foreign governments to keep the government from going bankrupt. "People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance," said the politician I quoted atop this column.

Would he get your vote?

Thought so. Me, too.

Unfortunately, he isn't available to run for president.

America wasn't even on the map when those words were proclaimed.

The quote is from the great Roman statesman and senator Marcus Tullius Cicero.

Maybe you remember from world history class that Cicero was hunted down by his political enemies and decapitated in 43 BC. After suggesting that the "arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled," Cicero's severed head and hands were nailed to the podium in the Roman Senate as a warning to others who dared to make such recommendations.

And you thought negative advertising was a modern political invention?

Chuck Goudie, whose column appears each Monday, is the chief investigative reporter at ABC 7 News in Chicago. The views in this column are his own and not those of WLS-TV. He can be reached by email at chuckgoudie@gmail.com.