Car booting might be an event at Chicago Olympics

News headline: MAYOR DALEY TO TRAVEL TO CHINA OLYMPICS TO STUDY TRAFFIC

News headline: MAYOR DALEY WANTS TO INCREASE BOOTS PLACED ON SCOFFLAW CARS

On the very same day, the above pair of seemingly unrelated headlines emanated from Mayor Daley's city hall office up on the phitt phlurr.

Translated for non-Bridgeport resident aliens, "phitt phlurr" is the common pronunciation of fifth floor, where His Honor and Hizzoner's information jockeys are stabled.

This week, "Chicago Mayor Richard Daley will be looking at traffic, transit and transformation-when he heads to Beijing, China to see how that city hosts the Olympics," reported ABC7's Ben Bradley.

Of course, no one believes the mayor will be seen standing along Peking Highway with one eye closed like Popeye, squinting through a surveyor's scope while Chicago 2016 Olympic boss Pat Ryan is a kilometer down the road adjusting an orange stick.

Mr. Daley is more likely to be seen at the javelin throw, sipping an herbal cocktail while being fanned by geishas.

Daley really doesn't even have to go to the other side of the world for a fourth time to see how the Chinese plan to deal with the usual traffic gridlock, choking exhaust fumes and bulging buses and trains.

All he has to do is read the official Chinese transportation strategy for the Summer Olympic Games: ban the use of hundreds of thousands of commercial vehicles for weeks and a get rid of half the cars.

A two-month government order that is already underway requires half of Beijing's 3.3 million cars to be removed from city streets on alternate days, based on whether the license plate ends in an odd or even number.

If Chinese regulars could afford lawn sprinkling systems, they might compare the rules to summertime, odd-even watering regulations in place in many Chicago suburbs.

Chinese residents caught driving on the wrong days will be fined the equivalent of $14. That might not seem like much to us, considering the $25 rate at downtown Chicago parking garages, but it's more than enough to keep rank-and-file Beijing citizens at home.

Further, since July 1, 300,000 industrial trucks were completely banned from Chinese roadways because they were old and contributed heavily to the thick, grey-as-death haze that normally shrouds Beijing.

The dictatorial traffic controls that are in place, including industrial factory closures, have two aims: reduce congestion so athletes, tourists and dignitaries can get around without too much delay and to reduce pollution that could spell doom for the Games.

Even before the opening ceremonies, some athletes have chosen to stay home because they think the suffocating air will inhibit their performance and threaten their breathing.

The International Olympic Committee president says if air quality is poor during certain outdoor endurance events, those competitions will be postponed. It is unclear how the air will be cleared in such an event or whether the Games might just stretch into the monsoon season.

Despite the $40 million spent on Chinese infrastructure for the Aug. 8-24 competitions, including new subway lines, traffic and pollution controls are considered the major threat to the Beijing Olympics (unless of course there is a terrorist attack).

However, if you read between the lines of those crafty announcements from Mayor Daley last week, Chicago has the 2016 Olympian-magnitude traffic threat already handled.

The mayor wants to start booting cars with only TWO outstanding parking tickets instead of three as current rules require. All in the name of civic responsibility and maybe even increased revenue.

Then in couple of years, maybe 2012, Daley will lower the boot again. To one parking ticket.

Such moves will require more of those yellow boots that clamp onto car wheels and make the vehicles immobile. Lots more boots.

So many boots would be required, that by the 2016 Summer Olympic Games Mayor Daley could just order all vehicles within the city limits to be locked up on a certain date. Of course, motorists who would want to buy their own boots could do that as well, from their local alderman or ward committeemen.

Or just call the phitt phlurr.

Unlikely you say? Outrageous?

Certainly.

But booting all vehicles for a couple of weeks in July 2016 would be a minor inconvenience for the glory of hosting The Games, wouldn't it?

And if you don't think it is possible or constitutional, please remember two words: Meigs Field.

Even Chairman Mao never used bulldozers at midnight to play tic-tac-toe on an airport runway.

Chuck Goudie, whose column appears each Monday, is the chief investigative reporter at ABC7 News in Chicago. The views in this column are his own and not those of WLS-TV. He can be reached by email at chuckgoudie@gmail.com.