Trimming down cocktails proves challenging

Of all the gins going in all the tonics in all the world - and she puts diet into mine.

She walked onto the veranda, dropped the drink and walked off. I didn't ask questions. It was one of those sweltering Southern California nights that, until you're holding something melting in a tumbler, makes you contemplate a crime.

Eight ounces later, I was cool as Peter Lorre in a crowd.

When she came back, she delivered the news.

"That one was made with diet."

It was a setup.

The plan was for her to slip me the mickey all along, but it wasn't supposed to go down this easy. My wife and I were supposed to be experimenting with cut-calorie mixers, not testing my powers of perception. I felt like I didn't deserve to call myself a drinks columnist. I felt like a fool.

In this era of slimmer sipping through chemistry, it's a wonder the folks in the adult beverage industry don't dream up more options for those who like their sundown drinks on ice and their waistbands on the looser side.

Zero-carb margarita mix is, by and large, hard to find - and even harder to tolerate. A mojito without a heap or three of pure sugar tastes like airplane fuel. And whiskey-and-Diet Coke is barely better than no whiskey at all.

But tonic, a curiously dry and bitter mixer to begin with, is barely discernible from its diet counterpart. Especially where gin - always with a juicy little wedge of lime in tow, if I know gin - gets involved.

There's no escaping calories with alcohol: Hooch is going to park on your waistline no matter how you dress it, and its calories are empty as a dive at closing time. With something like 7 calories per gram, the only thing more fattening (at about 9 calories per gram, or just under 100 calories per 1-ounce jigger) is fat itself.

All the more reason to shake those spoonsful of sugar that, in a normal-sized cocktail, will double the calories over the booze alone.

Get a load of these single-servings:

Jose Cuervo Margarita Mix, 4 ounces, 100 calories, 24 grams of sugar (about 6 teaspoons of sugar)

Canada Dry Tonic Water, 8 ounces, 90 calories, 23 grams of sugar (about 6 teaspoons)

Cranberry juice, 8 ounces, 130 calories, 34 grams of sugar (more than 8 teaspoons)

Coca-Cola, 8 ounces, 97 calories, 27 grams of sugar (just under 7 teaspoons)

It's enough to make the weakest stomach want to say "neat." Still, cocktail-specific diet mixers are scarce, and the ones that exist are hardly worth the calorie savings, if a good drink is really what you're after.

The Splenda-based "Baja Bob's" suite of tropical mixers - margarita, mai tai, pina colada and more - are targeted at the hard-core sugar-averse (such as diabetics, or at least those with an acquired taste for sucralose-sweetened beverages such as Crystal Light).

Of Coca-Cola's nearly 20 going varieties, more than half are "diet" - but not one makes the same sweet, down-home music when paired with a Jack Daniel's or Southern Comfort. Even for a person who likes diet sodas, I'd say they're about as good as the nearest drain when it comes to choosing where to pour your whiskey.

As for diet juice, I looked high and low for three months but couldn't find Diet Cranberry Spray, or its equivalent, at any not-out-of-the-way store. Until aspartame and sucralose find their way into more juice bottles, the vodka collecting dust in my cabinet is safe from Ocean Spray's latest offering.

Diet tonic - which does justice even to top-shelf gin - is widely available, however, appearing side-by-side with regular tonic almost everywhere I looked.

And it's getting easier to find agave nectar, a natural sugar substitute made from the same plant as tequila. Similar to honey if a little runnier, it's passable in most cocktail recipes that call for sugar, with about half the calories (and claimed to have carbs that are more complex, meaning a lower glycemic index). Experiment with about half the amount of sugar called for in a mojito or margarita and adjust to taste.

A final thought on diet mixers: Recent studies have found that using them can bring on a stronger buzz; without the sugar calories to slow down absorption, they help speed alcohol into the bloodstream. Something to think about if, after that first gin-and-diet-tonic goes down real smooth, you want to play it again.

Blended Agave-Nectar Margarita

2 ounces 100 percent agave tequila, blanco

1 ounce orange liqueur

2 limes, juiced

½ lemon, juiced

1 tablespoon agave nectar

Ice cubes

In a blender, combine all ingredients. Add enough ice to come to the top of the liquid. Blend on high until smooth. Serve immeditaly. If desired, serve in a salt-rimmed margarita glass garnished with a lime wedge.

Serves one.