Guillen, Piniella verbal outbursts a whole lot more bark than bite

From 1959 to 2007, shark attacks killed 23 people in U.S. waters.

While eternally bad for the 23 unlucky souls, that's fewer than one death every two years from shark attack.

More people probably choke on cotton candy … at a ballpark … on Thursdays … watching shortstops make an error … in leap years … between July 4 and Labor Day … while sitting in purple chairs.

But nothing gets more attention than a shark attack, with the possible exception of prepackaged managerial rants in Chicago, which, for the love of Herman Franks and all that's holy, we should be quite used to by now.

If anything, we ought to be entertained by them.

After all, you know full well that Ozzie Guillen didn't mean half the wacky things he said Sunday in Toronto. It's a smokescreen designed to get you talking about him, not his team's offense.

He can't, after all, say, "My players are old, they can't hit, they can't run, and we can't score. My pitchers should be throwing at them in the clubhouse.''

No, Guillen can't say that, though it does bring back memories of Jose Guzman, circa 1993 spring training, when he offered, "My sinker no sink, my slider no slide, my curveball no curve. I stink.''

But he was smiling through $14 million eyes.

Guillen could laugh, too, but by making a scene, he keeps you out of the clubhouse and away from his owner and GM, while you're listening to him in the dugout.

Smart business.

As for Lou Piniella, all his loud behavior of late also is covering up what he can't verbalize about Alfonso Soriano.

He can't say, "We spent $137 million on a guy who can't field a single position among the available eight, and can't hit anywhere but leadoff or he'll take his bat and go home and make me beg him to come back.

"Furthermore, I'd very much like to replace him in the eighth inning with someone who bothered to bring a glove to the ballpark today, but if I do that he's not going to hit 12 home runs for me in August this year.

"Heck, I don't know if he will or not, but I'm stuck with this guy for, like, I don't know, the rest of my life. He's coming to live with me in Florida when I retire. I need him to pick up my prescriptions at Walgreens, and right now I need him to hit 12 home runs in a month. I'm hoping he does it before December.''

He can't say that.

Actually, what we really needed was a translator for both of these guys, because they're not really mad at anyone or anything.

They just don't know how to honestly answer questions about players who aren't getting it done, so they're using an old political trick.

Don't answer the question. Change the story. Guess what? All anyone's interested in is goofy Ozzie and crazy Lou.

So if you take these guys seriously and, even worse, are offended by what they say, you deserve to feel that way.

If that's the case, you should also fear Ozzie and Lou -- and great white sharks, too.

Ivan Boldirev-ing

If the Blackhawks still want Brian Campbell, they'll probably get their shot at him.

But you have to ask yourself, if the Sharks don't re-sign Campbell after all they gave up to get him, is that someone you overpay to sign in free agency?

San Jose got an up-close and personal look at one of the better puck-moving defensemen in the game, pinning their Stanley Cup hopes on that acquisition, and Campbell was underwhelming, to say the least.

After a really bad first round, he was better against Dallas, and though plenty of other big names failed for San Jose, Campbell was not a difference-maker. He plays small, doesn't like getting hit, and takes huge risks with the puck in his own end and in the neutral zone.

Nice player, no doubt, and a good fit for a playoff team that already has a solid No. 1 defenseman and maybe a No. 2, but Campbell's got a lot of defects for a guy expecting $6 million a year and will have to do more than just QB the power play in Chicago.

The Hawks had a potential Campbell-type player in a much cheaper Dustin Byfuglien -- no, we're not comparing the two right now; the key word there is "potential" -- but they moved Byfuglien up front for all the flaws Campbell possesses.

To go and pay Campbell 10 times as much in free agency, where the Hawks have struggled, seems a risk.

Buy, hey, it's not our money.

Just magnificent

Four outings, and Big Brown has smoked the field four times. It'd be easy to argue today that this is a weak year for horse racing if Big Brown is that much better than everyone else, but if he wins the Triple Crown, there will be no downplaying the accomplishment.

It's just too difficult to do, no matter how good, or bad, the competition.

History lesson

The Midwest's largest gathering of Negro League Baseball legends will take place May 16-18 at the Naperville Holiday Inn. For info, go to negroleaguelegends.org.

All in

ESPN.com's Bill Simmons, on owners failing to spend enough to win an NBA title: "It's like going to Vegas for a guy's weekend and refusing to lose more than $100. Why even go then? Just stay home."

Jurassic lark

Jeff Schultz of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution: "Millions of years from now, scientists will debate whether the BCS ran out of food, was hit by a meteor, or just fell into a tar pit."

And finally …

E-mailer Bob K. from the Northwest Side: "I suppose from now on, we'll hear Lovie Smith say that the Bears get off the boat running the football."

brozner@dailyherald.com