Any actual coach need not apply

The search seems to be on for next season's Bulls coach even as they prepare to play Atlanta here tonight.

The question is where general manager John Paxson should look for interim coach Jim Boylan's replacement.

A good candidate would be the vice principal at a home for the terminally dysfunctional. Or maybe a zookeeper, prison warden or chief of psychiatric care somewhere.

An actual basketball coach to lead this alleged basketball team? Like an Avery Johnson after the Mavericks fire him? What, folks, are you as goofy as the Bulls are?

This team doesn't need a coach; it needs a circus ringmaster.

For the record, all was quiet on the Berto Center front Monday. All the players showed up. Boylan smiled a lot. Life was good, or at least calm, as in between blowups.

"Must be a slow sports day," the coaching temp said after seeing a load of curious reporters there to greet him.

Boylan teased that he was going to spice things up by wrestling Andres Nocioni: "Two out of three (falls) … Bruno Sammartino vs. Hulk Hogan."

Two days earlier Nocioni shouted at Boylan during a game and Boylan banished him to the locker room. It's difficult to say whether that was punishment or reward. Noc was spared from watching or participating in the Bulls' latest meltdown loss.

Near the end of Monday's practice, Nocioni shot free throws while laughing it up with Boylan. Later, with cameras rolling, Boylan planted a kiss on the side of Nocioni's head.

As is always said, the Nocioni-Boylan type of brush fire happens frequently in the NBA. The problem is it's more a wildfire when part of a string of incidents.

The line of past or present Bulls problem children starts at the front of Berto, weaves to the rear and includes the likes of Joakim Noah, Tyrus Thomas, Chris Duhon and the departed Ben Wallace.

Anybody else? Yeah, probably, but who's counting? Once the players won't fit on the fingers of one hand -- especially the middle one -- the message is this is an epidemic rather than a series of isolated occurrences.

This team wasn't exactly put together by scouting eHarmony.com, was it? If Nocioni is going off on his coach … my goodness, this is the one guy who appeared to be low maintenance on a team of ultra-maintenance players.

Nocioni might launch too many ill-advised shots and too few well-advised passes, but he does play hard when allowed to.

After Nocioni erupted in a spasm of March sadness, Boylan has as much chance of successfully managing this group as I have of successfully managing the stock market.

In all pro sports these days, a coach in the final year of his contract is granted an extension so his players understand he's the reigning authority.

An interim coach for has no chance. Players will treat him as Bulls players treat Boylan -- like a piñata.

Boylan is doing what he can. He kissed off Nocioni when it was required and then kissed him as if to say no harm, no foul.

The only problem anybody should have with Boylan is that he would like to be the Bulls' permanent head coach.

It's the Groucho thing: Don't hire any coach insane enough to want to coach this team.

A kindergarten teacher would be a more appropriate candidate.