No happily ever after

Once upon a time -- 2006 to be precise -- there was a sweet but vacuous romantic comedy called "Penelope."

"Penelope" wanted to be a modernized version of a classic fable, the kind with princesses being hidden away in towers, and with magic spells that could only be broken by the power of true love.

Alas, "Penelope" fell under a curse of its own, the kind of curse that befalls a movie that demands people suspend their disbelief of something utterly unbelievable.

Like Christina Ricci looking so repulsive that men will bolt for the doors in horror and jump through plate glass windows just to get away from her.

What?

Granted, Ricci has a pig's snout where her nose should be, but come on, it's an adorably cute pig's snout. And surely the rest of Ricci compensates for a bad nose job, doesn't it?

Let's rewind to the flashy opening of Mark Palansky's "Penelope" for the back story on this ugly piglet tale.

Generations ago, a member of the rich, uppity Wilhern family put a servant girl in the "Juno" way. When the Wilherns abandon the girl, her mother, conveniently a witch, cast a spell on the family, cursing their daughters to have pig snouts. The curse can only be lifted by love from "one of her own kind."

The Wilherns have the opposite problem of King Henry VIII. They have all sons. For years. Until Penelope.

Now a young woman, Penelope (Ricci) has been sequestered away by her protective mum and dad (Richard E. Grant and Catherine O'Hara). They have been auditioning suitors for Penelope, sticking them all with nondisclosure contracts. (Remember the fleeing men? That's them.)

One suitor, a twit named Edward (Simon Woods), goes to the tabloids with his tale of meeting a pig girl. He gets ridiculed from every corner of Europe, the setting for this increasingly banal story.

No one believes him, except an obsessive tabloid reporter named Lemon (Peter Dinklage), who lost an eye while chasing down the pig girl rumors.

The two men hire a blue-blood gambler named Max ("Atonement" star James McAvoy) to secretly photograph the pig girl while pretending to be a suitor.

The plan works. Until it doesn't. Inexplicably, Max refuses to photograph Penelope.

Outside of being a kid-safe, PG-rated movie, "Penelope" doesn't have much going for it, either in terms of style (a mish-mash of Disney Channel visuals directed with sitcom flourish) or characters.

McAvoy, who sizzled with Keira Knightley in "Atonement," fizzles with Ricci. He seems totally disinterested in Max, and acts as if he'd like to get this role out of the way so he can do something -- anything -- else.

Emotional connections don't seem to be a high priority for first-time feature director Palansky, who can't decide if he's making a tongue-in-cheek comedy or a straight-forward, sincere fairy tale with a routine "be yourself" theme.

Halfway through the film, Reese Witherspoon, one of the producers, bursts into the story as Annie, a street-smart messenger and instant best friend to the shy, mysterious young woman who covers her nose with a scarf.

What function does Witherspoon's character serve? None. It's just a star turn for Reese, whose ebullient personality adds some tardy punch to this rapidly lackluster story, one in which not everyone lives happily ever, after seeing this movie.

"Penelope"

1½ stars

THE DETAILS

Starring: Christina Ricci, James McAvoy, Richard E. Grant, Reese Witherspoon, Peter Dinklage, Catherine O'Hara

Directed by Mark Palansky

Other: A Summit Entertainment release. Rated PG. Running time: 84 minutes

'Counterfeiters' the real deal

Stefan Ruzowitkzy's sobering survival tale "The Counterfeiters," winner of the Best Foreign Film Oscar, dramatizes the true story of Salomon Sorowitsch (Karl Markovics), an imprisoned Jewish artist forced to replicate British and U.S. currency so well, the Nazis hoped to destabilize foreign economies by flooding them with fake bills.

Starting today at the Music Box Theatre in Chicago; the Renaissance Place Cinema in Highland Park and the Evanston CineArts 6. (R) 99 minutes

'Chicago' rates a 10?

The late Roy Scheider does a freakishly brilliant job of capturing the voice and personality of Judge Julius Hoffman in Brett Morgan's innovative "Chicago 10," a smart documentary consisting of animation and archival footage. It's about the infamous conspiracy trial against protesters at the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago. Voices by Hank Azaria, Nick Nolte, Live Schreiber and others.

Starts today at the Century Centre Cinema, 2828 N. Clark St., Chicago. (R) 99 minutes

"Watch the Skies!"

Join me and novelist/film historian Raymond Benson for a rousing overview of the most significant science-fiction films from 1898 through 1968 as part of our "Dann and Raymond's Book Club." Included: "Invasion of the Bodysnatchers," "The Day the Earth Stood Still," "2001: A Space Odyssey" and others. Free admission! (847) 985-4000 or go to www.stdl.org.

7:30 p.m. Thursday at the Schaumburg Township District Library, 130 S. Roselle Road, Schaumburg