Holding on through this raw day and the rough ones to come

DeKALB - Like whitecaps in winter, it crashed in frigid waves, taken by storm and tossed about.

Uncontrollable and unmistakable, the pent-up tsunami of raw emotion rolled in, reducing even the strongest to tears with thoughts of senseless violence, young lives stolen, and innocence lost.

It hit me, oddly, on the drive to DeKalb Sunday for a memorial at the NIU Convocation Center, as, of all things, a song from "Animal House'' played.

How I went from pounding the wheel and laughing at memories of toga parties and flickerball games, to that outpouring, well, it had to be the realization of how innocuous life was for us 25 years ago at NIU, staring down the future with our eyes closed, fearing only our empty pockets at crazy hour.

But now, as if a gunman's rampage wasn't enough, NIU students have been forced to accept the cruel realities of life before they've had the best times of their life.

That anger, the patent unfairness of that, was my tipping point, and the rest of the day was a battle.

Whether it was the makeshift memorials set up around campus, a teddy bear in the snow, or simple signs bearing the names of five incredible young people, everywhere were things that provoked weeping.

There may have been nothing tougher than watching parents and students crying together in front of Cole Hall, hugging and holding on, not wanting to let go, gazing for the first time since Feb. 14 at the now infamous building.

Crowds gathered by the message boards in the Martin Luther King Memorial Commons, and by the five crosses, images that will send chills, still be vivid, even when no longer visible.

No less memorable will be the memorial melodies, the choice of music as students lined up and entered the arena through metal detectors.

While they sat among armed guards and waited for the ceremony to begin, with images of those slain on the big screens, the songs were both brilliant and devastating.

Particularly poignant was Avril Lavigne insisting NIU, "Keep holding on, 'cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through. Just stay strong, 'cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you...

"...So far away. I wish you were here. Before it's too late, this could all disappear. Before the doors close and it comes to an end, with you by my side I will fight and defend.''

Fight and defend. That was the message from everyone who spoke Sunday, that through tragedy will come triumph, that this university will not be defined by terror, but rather the strength and togetherness it shows in the aftermath.

"We will not let darkness alter or extinguish our light, or cause us to retreat from our resolve,'' invoked NIU vice president Eddie Williams. "Forward, together forward, our light will shine forever.''

But if you've suffered through the unimaginable, you know the real healing begins only when you finally leave the cemetery, after endless days of handshakes and handkerchiefs.

Sunday night's memorial was the graveside service NIU has been dreading and awaiting, pledging to remember those killed and injured, but promising also to begin anew, and stronger than ever.

The feeling of rebirth was palpable when we heard the Alma Mater and NIU President John Peters closed with the words, "Our hearts are broken... but we are healing.''

A heavy load seemed lifted from the campus' shoulders as roughly 12,000 drew a deep breath and exited the Convocation Center, while a new day dawned in the pitch black of night.

Yes, in the most unpredictable of fashions, out of great loss has been a grand beginning for NIU pride.

It has awakened scores of thousands of students and alumni. No longer will we allow NIU to take a backseat, no longer will we walk past the Huskie pullover hanging in the closet.

And though we left Sunday night feeling hopeful, with apologies to Otis Day, we saw nothing that made us want to shout.

Not this day or this week, with wounds so fresh and classes back in session, but perhaps such a day is not far away.

In the meantime, NIU, keep holding on.

'Cause you know we'll make it through.