Relationships 101

Of course there's no official rule book that reveals how to get things right in matters of the heart.

There are plenty of self-help guides, pearls of wisdom from parents and friends and your own gut instincts.

Sometimes all those tools still don't lead to success, though, and that's when it's time to start looking inward, says certified life coach Anne Babiarz.

"One of my philosophies is that you can't give what you don't have. If you don't value yourself enough, then you don't have (love) to give to someone else," she says.

That's why her "Art of Healthy Relationships" seminar, coming to sites in Barrington and Bloomingdale on Feb. 23, focuses on personal development instead of tired topics like how to wow your partner in bed.

As a life coach certified by the International Coach Federation, Babiarz sees couples come to her seminars with relationship woes like finances, new jobs or growing apart. A big part of the solution, she says, is helping clients deal with their own insecurities.

"One person might not be moving forward in life, while the other is doing a lot of self-growth with their job, their looks, social life or such things, causing the other to be insecure," Babiarz says. "They need to recognize where each other is at, give the other person the space to grow and realize growth is anˆ½ improvement in the relationship rather than a detractor. Ask yourself 'If you're insecure, why are you insecure?'"

It may sound simple, but her clients find that learning to love yourself can be hard work. To fix their life problems, Babiarz says a lot of people would rather just change superficial factors, like finding a new relationship or a new job.

"You're still bringing yourself with you, so what have you changed about yourself that's going to make this better than the last time?" she says.

The Barrington and Bloomingdale seminars will focus on how participants can learn routines that help them feel confident in their own skin. These vary by person, says Babiarz, but can include everything from journaling, making alone time or even indulgences like getting a massage.

To build this idea, both seminars will include a presentation by a massage therapist teaching techniques to bring home.

And the final important tool visitors will leave with, Babiarz says, is methods for self-talk. In other words, being your own best cheerleader.

"We wouldn't talk to our friends the way we talk to ourselves in our mind," she says. "If we talked to our friends that way, we wouldn't have any."

Art of Healthy Relationships

When: 10 a.m. in Barrington and 4:30 p.m. in Bloomingdale Feb. 23

Where: Spa Vargas, The Garlands of Barrington, 1000 Garlands Lane, Barrington; Spa Vargas at the Hilton Chicago Indian Lakes Resort, 250 W. Schick Road, Bloomingdale

Cost: $20

Web site: spavargas.com

Phone: (630) 307-1100 or (847) 277-9250