Official takes to stage for yearly 'standup' routine

What a difference a year makes.

Last year, calling the new Arlington Heights Village Hall the "Taj Mahal" was not funny.

This year, it's hilarious.

Local attorney and Special Events Commissioner Tom Kivlahan joked about a whole list of Arlington Heights topics recently at the Hearts of Gold dinner, including the new $30 million hall that opened in January.

Once again, Kivlahan did a great job poking fun at village officials and local issues. I'm looking forward to next year's jokes about the new police station -- or should I say the "Police Palace?"

Here's a few excerpts from Kivlahan's speech:

• On space problems at the police station:

"Did you read in the Herald this week that the police department now needs a bigger station? This was easier to see coming than the killer satellite."

"Have you ever felt sorry for a homeowner in an established subdivision when the neighbors on either side tear down their houses and build mansions? It makes the normal house in the middle look like a shack. Well, that's how the cops feel."

"I support the police 100 percent, but I'm worried about how we'll pay for the new station. If only there was some way that we could generate more income for the village, maybe by expanding an existing business to attract new customers, but without increasing crime. Here's an idea: Why don't we put the new police station right in the middle of the new casino?"

• Love and politics do mix:

"2007 was another interesting year in and around our village. A few businesses closed, many businesses opened. The Riv managed to do both."

"The high-society crowd was abuzz when (trustee) Helen Jensen and (developer) Jack Whisler got married. This is the Arlington Heights equivalent of Barbara Walters marrying Donald Trump."

"The Chicago Cubs once again ripped my heart out. Fortunately, they gave it to Mike Silverman, who is also a former Hearts of Gold winner."

• The new village hall and trusty Trustee Tom Hayes:

"Village President Arlene Mulder desperately wanted to be here tonight but apparently she got lost somewhere in the new village hall and no one has seen her since Wednesday."

"Although Mayor Mulder couldn't join us, we are fortunate to have another of our distinguished and hardworking leaders representing the village. Tom Hayes has been a village trustee since 1991. He is also the village's president 'pro tem,' which is Latin for 'against slots.' "

"He is a husband, a father, a veteran, an attorney and he has better hair than John Edwards."

"And despite his wild mood swings, he has consistently tested negative for performance-enhancing drugs."

• Let's not forget the parade:

"We're lucky it's not as cold tonight as it was a few days ago. I mean, it was cold. How cold was it? It was so cold that the 'trustee's only' hot tub on the new village hall terrace froze solid.

"It was so cold that people were voluntarily parking in the underground garage at Arlington Town Square.

"I'm glad it's gotten a little warmer, because while you were eating, I snuck out and put down my blanket for the Fourth of July parade. That's right, the southwest corner of Oakton and Dunton is reserved for the next five months.

"Does everyone remember the fuss that this issue caused last summer? I haven't read so many irate letters to the editor since you couldn't turn left off of Central.

"I think I understand both sides of the blanket controversy and I don't want to get in the middle of such an important issue, but we need to think about the children. What message are we sending to the next generation if we keep rewarding people who are organized and plan ahead?"

• Gambling -- all kinds:

"Speaking of divisive issues, it's time to talk about gaming at Arlington Park again."

"I think we need to admit that there's already expanded gambling in Arlington Heights. Have you tried to drive through downtown during the evening rush hour? Other cars are the least of your worries. If you get stuck in front of one of the commuter stampedes coming off the train, you're putting your life at risk."

"After a day in Chicago and 45 minutes on public transportation, these normally polite, generous and God-fearing neighbors become an angry mob of remorseless zombies that will trample anything in their path. But don't get me wrong, I love each and every one of them."