'Jumper' falls flat as sci-fi thriller
Normally, you'd have to wait until the dog days of summer to see an ethics-challenged action thriller this dumbed down and down-right dumb.
"Jumper" assumes its target audience must be extremely dense, so its voice-over narrator constantly explains what happens, even if we just saw it happen.
"Let me tell you about my day so far," narrates teen David Rice. He has been all over the world because he possesses the power to teleport himself at will.
MOVIE REVIEW "Jumper" 1 1/2 stars out of fourStarring: Starring: Hayden Christensen, Jamie Bell, Samuel L. Jackson and Rachel BilsonDirected by: Doug Liman Other: A 20th Century Fox release. Rated PG-13 (violence, language, sexual situations)Running time: 88 minutes.
He discovers this power when he falls under the ice on a river. Drowning, he blacks out, then inexplicably winds up in the stacks at the Ann Arbor Public Library, soaked in icy water.
"One second I'm a gonner," the narrator explains, "the next, I'm at the Ann Arbor Public Library!"
Gee, thanks, Mr. Narrator.
Everyone thinks David died, although his favorite girl Millie can't be sure.
Eight years later, Millie grows up to be a none-too-bright bartender now played by "O.C." star Rachel Bilson. David, now played by Darth Vader larvae Hayden Christensen, stops by to watch her serve drinks.
You'd think seeing a boy she thought was dead might be a surprise. Nope. Millie treats David like a regular bar mope. David tells her he's in banking. Actually, he's used his powers to rob safes and hoard stacks of money in his posh New York apartment.
Millie senses he's not telling her everything. "Just don't lie to me," she asks.
"I'm not lying to you," David says, lying to her.
Soon, David realizes there are consequences to his actions, mainly because an obsessive, white-haired dude named Roland (Samuel L. Jackson) attacks him with a jillion-watt cattle prod, then shouts in his ear, "There are always consequences!"
Turns out that Roland is a militant religious nut job who belongs to the Paladins, a secret society of assassins who have been hunting "jumpers" since medieval times. The Paladins don't just execute jumpers. They kill their families and friends.
The Paladins must be very efficient. David and a young man named Griffin (Jamie Bell) appear to be the only two remaining jumpers. They take on the Paladins, destroying priceless artifacts at the Colosseum in one scene, then apparently killing an entire bus full of people during a fight in China.
Early in "Jumper," we see David watch a TV news program where people are trapped in a flood, and are doomed if they don't get help. David doesn't care. Selfishly, he doesn't use his super powers for anything but his own gain. You'd think by the end of "Jumper" he might develop a little compassion.
Not in this movie, directed on passionless, plodding auto-pilot by Doug "Bourne Identity" Liman.
At the end, David remains a lying, thieving, self-absorbed cad who jeopardizes innocent lives and uses his powers only to protect his money, his lifestyle and his new bartender girlfriend.
Offhand, I'd say the Paladins had the right idea all along.