Two-scoop Monday: What were these candidates thinking?

Let's face it, if Cook County government was an old silver bowl, it would take a tub of TarnX the size of Soldier Field to make it presentable.

So, especially this year, the candidates running for office in Cook County needed to play it straight.

Instead, we were smothered by two images from the primary campaign that, mercifully, is over: a known-to-be serious state's attorney candidate appearing as himself in a "Saturday Night Live"-style commercial; and a pair of cartoon characters who were singing and dancing through fields of graft in a TV spot for somebody who wanted the job of adjusting your property taxes.

First, there was the commercial for Bob Milan, whose TV spot began with a shot of some chubby fingers punctuated by fire-engine red nail polish.

They were attached to a stout woman with a beehive hairdo that matched her nail color and a rosy sweater draped over her shoulders.

A portrait of former Chicago Alderman Paddy Bauler ("This city ain't ready for reform") was on the wall behind her and a sign on her desk proclaimed Chicago's unofficial motto: "We don't want nobody nobody sent."

"Bob Meelin?" said the woman, apparently playing the role of an employment clerk.

"My-lin. It's Bob My-lin," said Bob Milan, seen sitting across from her and rolling his eyes as if to send a secret signal to his friends in the legal community that he was acting under duress.

Then the redhead announced "It says you were the most experienced prosecutor ever to run for state's attorney."

"Well, I've spent 20 years prosecuting killers, rapists and gangbangers," Milan responded with an uncomfortable grin.

"Most of your opponents are career politicians, huh?" she asked.

"Yea but I'm a career prosecutor" he said.

"Ever raise taxes? Had a no-show job?" questioned the hiring clerk.

"I crack down on public corruption," Milan replied.

"Too bad," she said. "References?"

"Well Dick Devine's endorsed me," Milan told her.

Then, removing her 1950s fashionista eyeglasses, she mercifully ended the interview. "I think we're done here."

Cut to Milan's boss, current State's Attorney Dick Devine, and cue the soft snowfall.

"Bob Milan's a prosecutor not a politician. He'll put victims ahead of politics," stated Devine.

But now that Mr. Milan has lost, Milan won't be a prosecutor either. He plans to leave the office when Devine departs. But he doesn't blame the commercial.

"It was the right thing," he told me. "I had nothing but compliments on those. People said they were great and lighthearted … got my message across."

"It was a tough race," he said. "I had no political backing, limited funds and there were five men and one woman running. I'm glad I did it. I was the only person to defend the office."

The woman, Anita Alvarez, was also a career prosecutor. She ran dignified, direct commercials and she won.

Then there was the cartoon commercial for Jay Paul Deratany, a trial lawyer who was running for Cook County Board of Review. It was what Deratany calls a "Jib-Jab style ad" aimed at getting him elected to a board that decides appeals of property tax assessments.

The spot began with stupid-looking caricatures of incumbent Cook County Board of Review Commissioner Joe Berrios and of Cook County Board President Todd Stroger dancing and singing "everything's fine and dandy so why vote for Deratany?"

The rhyming commercial looked and sounded like a cartoon version of Hoop-de-do Review at Disney World. It alleged via animation that Berrios would raise taxes, take money from families, give tax breaks to friends and relatives and generally rip off taxpayers.

"To end the Berrios tax corruption" the ad suggested that voters go for Jay Paul Deratany.

From Florida, where Mr. Deratany is recuperating from his defeat, he defended the commercial and believes it had nothing to do with the loss.

"Absolutely not. The TV spot had the effect intended and most who saw it said it highlighted the problem," says Deratany.

"Our mistake was we did not have enough people out on Election Day" he says, contending that his forces were overwhelmed by Berrios poll watchers and Democratic Party "machine guys" who passed out palm cards and erected "huge signs near the entrances to polling places."

I'm sure the intent of both commercials was to be cute, captivating and funny -- even when viewed for the umpteenth time. Certainly the spots would qualify as nominees for "best animation by someone who wants to decide your financial future" or "best acting in a comedy role by a man who prosecutes rapists."

But the ploys didn't work. Milan was trounced, finishing with just 6 percent of the vote -- second-to-last in the six-candidate race.

Deratany lost handily to incumbent Joe Berrios, who was undoubtedly propped up by his avocation as Cook County Democratic chairman.

Even though they might have been the best candidates for the jobs, Deratany and Milan were done in by their mishandled messages.