Television offers a sackful of last-second stocking stuffers

It's Dec. 21, which means there are but four more shopping days until Christmas, and that's counting today if you're reading this in the morning over coffee and not in the evening after a hard day's work -- Thank God it's Friday, indeed -- in which case the day's pretty much shot because if you're like me you're probably well into that second martini and the words are beginning to swim on the page and you're not going anywhere at this point no matter how bereft your gift bag hidden away in the closet is; it'll just have to wait until tomorrow.

In any case, never fear, Aware One. Hasn't Your Friendly Neighborhood TV Critic always said that television has the cure for any problem? And it'll pull your fat couch-potato rear end out of the fire in the St. Nick of time to make room for roasting chestnuts this Christmas too, because have I got a bunch of TV-oriented gift ideas you can find just about anywhere -- and cheap, too.

Thank you, Jesus, but thank you Philo T. Farnsworth, too, for inventing TV in the first place. (His birthday, Aug. 19, is celebrated in my house by draping tinsel on the high-definition rabbit ears, which improves the picture as well.)

Now get the scissors, the car keys and your choice of checkbook or credit or debit card. Cut out this handy guide and you'll be home in time to have those martinis before the evening news tonight in order to make Katie Couric look like Heidi Klum or, at worst (if, again, you're already munching on your second cocktail onion), in plenty of time Saturday afternoon to spend the rest of the weekend in eggnog oblivion.

First, procrastinator, are you ever in luck: 2007 just happens to be one of the Olympiad years in which a new edition of "The Complete Directory to Prime Time Network and Cable TV Shows: 1946-Present" is released. It includes every prime-time show ever to hit the major broadcast networks right up through the spring debut of "Notes From the Underbelly," and plenty from cable as well. The ninth edition is more than 200 pages longer than the previous, and not only does it include about 500 more shows, but authors Tim Brooks and Earle Marsh have also revised and beefed up entries on classic series.

This is, absolutely, the TV critic's bible, and no TV aficionado should be without it (and that means you, Aware One). And it lists for $30, before any member discounts at Borders or Barnes & Noble. So just buy one for every person on your list and another for yourself and you're done, Santa. Tell Mrs. Claus to start spiking the nog.

Also recommended, but more as a snowed-in time-waster than an encyclopedic reference, is "The TV Guide Book of Lists," half the price at $15. It includes entries such as the 50 greatest and worst TV shows, as well as the 25 greatest commercials, six classic "ERs," five classic "M*A*S*Hes," three classic "Dick Van Dyke Shows," two classic "Cosby Shows" and a list of famous TV family addresses to send Christmas cards to (such as "The Munsters" at 1313 Mockingbird Lane).

Homer Simpson is, of course, TV's patron saint of procrastinating Santas, so it's no surprise that "The Simpsons Movie" has been released on DVD at a very reasonable $30 just in time for holiday giving. Just you try hitting the malls and NOT running into a retail display somewhere along the way.

Spider-Pig not seasonal enough for you? Then try "Christmas in South Park," also fresh out on DVD at $20. For some reason, it does not include "The Spirit of Christmas," the short that launched "South Park" when Matt Stone and Trey Parker sent it out as a video card and it made a hit with George Clooney (see "The Hits, Vol. 1," $24, for that), although it does include the original "Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo" from 1997 and every Christmas-themed episode since.

Finally, looking for something more local? If you grew up in Chicago in the baby boom era, or know someone who did, you could do a lot worse than "Chicago TV Horror Movie Shows: From Shock Theatre to Svengoolie," at a reasonable $18. Authors Ted Okuda and Mark Yurkiw recall the original poetic opening to WGN Channel 9's "Creature Features," and the opening theme music to WFLD Channel 32's "Screaming Yellow Theater" (Link Wray's "Rumble," but you knew that, right, Aware One?). And if you think Rich Koz is the only Svengoolie there's ever been, this book's for you, too, squirt.

Also, don't forget, Berke Breathed's lost Christmas classic "Opus N' Bill in a Wish for Wings That Work" is finally out on DVD at $15, as is a new edition of "Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol" at $17, although they figure to be harder to find, and it's probably too late for Amazon to get it here by Christmas. Save those ideas for next year -- and fer crissake plan ahead next time. TV might have the answer to all the world's problems, but it can't work miracles, you know.

Remotely interesting: Tom Brokaw discusses his new book, "Boom! Voices of the Sixties," with host John Callaway on "Friday Night" at 7:30 today on WTTW Channel 11. … WMAQ Channel 5 releases viewer voting results to name the Shedd Aquarium's new baby beluga today.

TBS begins its annual 24-hour marathon of "A Christmas Story" at 7 p.m. Monday. … Sheryl Crow plays hostess to the ninth annual "A Home for the Holidays" special about adoption at 7 p.m. today on WBBM Channel 2. … WGN Channel 9 reruns the nostalgic special "Bozo, Gar & Ray," including the classic holiday shorts "Suzy Snowflake," "Frosty the Snowman" and "Hardrock, Coco and Joe," at 10 p.m. Monday, followed by midnight mass from Holy Name Cathedral and, yes, "The Yule Log" (in high definition, no less) from 1:30 to 6:30 a.m. Christmas Day, setting the stage for "The Christmas Story" episode of "The Andy Griffith Show."

End of the dial: National Public Radio compiles seasonal stories, including the work of David Sedaris, in "Tinsel Tales" airing at 9 a.m. Monday on WBEZ 91.5-FM.

'BEZ celebrates the 50th anniversary of the Old Town School of Folk Music with a special at noon Monday.

Waste Watcher's choice

"The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou" is a typically scattershot Wes Anderson movie, but there's no denying its charms, not with Bill Murray in a Speedo and Seu Jorge stealing the show with his David Bowie covers. It's at 7 p.m. Saturday on WPWR Channel 50.