Do wish lists take the fun out of gift-giving this holiday season?

A great barrier rises up each holiday season. It divides families, friends and neighbors just when they're supposed to be coming together in peace and goodwill.

The barrier is an age-old question: Gift list or no gift list?

Those who like to exchange gift lists - and we're talking here about lists of items you want to receive - say they make shopping easier, cut down on return trips to the mall and all but eliminate the chance you'll receive something that will wind up in the garbage.

Anti-listers say that these lists have evolved into little more than Christmas and Hanukkah registries, which rob the holiday gift-giving experience of its magic.

We talked to people in the suburbs about gift lists and found a pretty even pro/anti split. In keeping with the holiday spirit, though, there was common ground.

Several anti-listers said they wouldn't mind getting some general gift ideas from the people they buy for. And pro-listers said they appreciate it when a loved one surprises them with a gift they hadn't asked for.

"We do the list thing, but I always like to receive one gift my husband came up with on his own," said Sheri Jo Howell of Palatine. "I try to do the same for him. It shows that you're really thinking about the person."

Where's the spirit?

Diane Kastiel knows her 15-year-old son will be delighted with at least one of his Christmas presents this year.

Kastiel and her husband searched long and hard for this particular gift, and she can barely wait for her son to open it. (And no, we're not about to reveal what it is!)

What makes Kastiel particularly excited is that the gift will come as a complete surprise.

"There's nothing better than finding a gift that's beyond what the person would even think of," Kastiel, an Arlington Heights resident, said.

No gift lists are exchanged in Kastiel's family. Instead, people rely on their knowledge of each other to come up with good gift ideas each holiday season.

"The idea behind gifts lists is fine," Kastiel said. "But now they're like purchase orders. People say exactly what shirt they want, what size, where to get it. There's no joy in it.

"So much of Christmas now is going away from the true spirit of the holiday."

Dee Dee Schuster of Streamwood agrees. During a recent bout of holiday shopping at Woodfield Shopping Center, Schuster talked about a nephew of hers who lives and dies by his gift list.

He sends out a list each year that includes three or four links to specific items on the Banana Republic and J Crew Web sites. When she's tried in the past to give him something not on the list, he always returned it.

"It became clear that the only things he wants are on his list," Schuster said. "I could keep fighting it, but he'll just return whatever I get, so I've decided to just give in. But shopping for him is about as much fun as getting my oil changed."

Pam Gurewitz of Schaumburg said that shopping according to a list can keep you from recognizing a great gift idea when you see it. She remembers seeing a pink shirt with a sparkly vest on top in Target while Christmas shopping there one year. She immediately knew her young niece would absolutely love it.

"Sure enough, when she got it, she called and went on and on about how much she loved it," Gurewitz said. "Nothing beats the feeling you get when that happens. And I'm not sure that would happen if I'd been using a list."

All gifts not gold

Of course, the idea of surprising someone with a special gift is great, if you have the taste and intuition needed to choose the right one. That skill, pro-listers say, is more rare than one might think.

All too often, surprise gifts end up on the returns desks at the mall, hidden away in a closet or drawer, or in the worst case, at the bottom of the garbage can.

Ask Mitch Martin of Naperville. One year when he was in college, he desperately wanted a fancy, NBA-certified, indoor-only basketball. What he got instead: an African drum.

"I don't play the drums, and I'd definitely never expressed interest in owning an African drum," Martin said, laughing. "But that's how it is in my family. The idea is to be creative, to get something that will make the person say, 'I never would have thought of that.'"

Martin's wife's family is different, he said. For them, the question is "what would you like to get?"

"I've actually learned to like that approach," Martin said.

Jeanine Varroney of Palatine said that gift lists are particularly useful when children reach their teen years.

"It's harder to know exactly what they want as they get older," she said. "It's wasteful to get them a bunch of stuff that will be left unused. And it seems like such a waste of time to make a loved one go to a bunch of different stores after the holidays to return stuff."

Combo approach

Talk to people about gift lists long enough, and you notice that the sides are actually closer than they first appear. Even those who consider themselves hard-liners in the list debate can see some benefits to the opposite position.

The key, they say, is to treat a gift list as a guidebook, not an official contract. And everyone - gift buyers and gift receivers - should remain open to the joys of surprise.

"I do try to surprise people," Varroney, a pro-lister, said. "In our family, everyone understands that the lists are guidelines, not purchase orders. We actually have fun with the whole thing. We call them 'Santa letters' and include humor in them."

"I think it should be a combination of the two sides," Martin said. "You should try to be creative and come up with some things on your own, but also get some items that you know people actually want."

Sarah Sperlin, a Bartlett native who now lives in Chicago, said she's not sure what side she stands on.

"I do get lists from people, and it really helps, because I have so many people to buy for," Sperlin said. "But sometimes the whole thing does feel a little impersonal. I don't know. Maybe we should just stop the whole gift thing and make Christmas more like Thanksgiving, where it's about spending time with each other.

"But of course, that'll never happen."