Beowulf: Plenty of action, but story feels hollow
Hold the phone! I thought this was supposed to be Robert Zemeckis' "Beowulf," not Madame Tussaud's.
The photo-realistic, computer-generated characters in Zemeckis' bold take on the epic Old English poem look like they came straight out of a "Twilight Zone" episode where figures in Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum magically come to life and re-enact the tale of the ancient warrior Beowulf.
Granted, CGI has come a long way since Zemeckis' last experiment in "motion capture" animation technology, "The Polar Express." At least his "Beowulf" characters don't look like psychotic spawn planted by alien seed.
No, the characters in "Beowulf" should be lucky to look mirthfully menacing. They just look a little dead. Their eyes are lifeless orbs. Their movements are almost human, but too cartoony. It's hard to say if "Beowulf" resembles an animation experiment in progress, or an adult video game packed with plenty of violence, blood and naked bodies.
Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary's screenplay follows the basic story of Beowulf, with a few lurid and clever embellishments here and there. King Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) and his minions are having a fun time at Mead Hall one night when the misshapen monster known as Grendel (Crispin Glover) crashes the party, killing everyone except for the name stars.
In addition to King Hrothgar, his young Queen Wealthow (Robin Wright Penn) is spared, along with the slithery Unferth (John Malkovich), who hides in the mead tank.
The king sends a distress signal out to anyone who will rid his land of Grendel. "All we need is a hero!" the king says. He gets a muscular, cocky warrior.
"I am Beowulf!" the man (Ray Winstone) bellows. "I am here to kill your monster!"
As everyone who plowed through the epic poem in high school English knows, Beowulf accomplishes the job, but then runs into the mother of all monster moms, Grendel's single-parent mommy, a reptilian beastie played by Angelina Jolie.
She gives Grendel's mom a breathy, seductive voice that already tickles the testosterone. That's nothing compared to what happens when Beowulf arrives at her cave to kill her, and she jaw-droppingly morphs into a completely naked, full-frontally exposed Barbie doll with the naughty bits airbrushed out to secure an incredibly liberal PG-13 rating.
Had this movie been made in live-action, the torn bodies, bloody showers and frequent nudity (even Hopkins' cartoon incarnation shoots us the moon) would easily have earned it an R.
"Beowulf" offers up plenty of action, not only in the soaring, go-anywhere, do-anything tracking shots, but in a climactic showdown between the titular hero and a nasty, fire-breathing dragon. Still, despite its obvious progress in digital animation, Zemeckis' ambitious adventure feels slightly artificial and dramatically shallow.
And subconsciously, you keep hoping the characters stay away from those torches. They might melt, you know.
"Beowulf" opens today in three different versions: a regular 2-D version, a 3-D digital version and a 3-D IMAX version. Film critics Tuesday night were shown the IMAX version, which undoubtedly packs more visual punch than the versions most audiences will actually see at local theaters.
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"Beowulf"
2 1/2 star
out of four
Opens today
Starring As
Ray Winstone Beowulf
Anthony Hopkins King Hrothgar
John Malkovich Unferth
Robin Wright Penn Wealthow
Angelina Jolie Grendel's Mother
Written by Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary, based on the epic poem. Produced by Steve Starkey, Robert Zemeckis and Jack Rapkie. Directed by Robert Zemeckis A Paramount Pictures release. Rated PG-13 (animated violence, nudity). Running time: 114 minutes.