'Fred Claus' a bad case of sniveling rivalry
Not since "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" has there been a cinematic visit to the North Pole this frivolous, silly and ill-conceived.
Comparing "Fred Claus" to coal in our Christmas stockings would be an insult to coal. At least coal gives off warmth.
Vince Vaughn stars as Fred Claus, you-know-who's big brother. Right out of the gate, "Fred Claus" stumbles over its tortured internal logic. The Claus family had two boys, Fred and Nicholas. The latter became a saint, the former a disgruntled sibling, insanely jealous of his successful bro.
According to the narrator, the Claus family became immortal, as did anyone they married, and their offspring. (No ruling on adopted children.)
So, if Fred and Nicholas are immortal, why does Nick (Paul Giamatti) grow old and white at the North Pole while the older Fred (Vince Vaughn) look a mere 30 years old as a Chicago repo man?
Fred's lover, Wanda (Rachel Weisz), works as a Chicago cop, even though she speaks with a British accent. (Unfortunately for Wanda, immortality is not granted to Claus girlfriends.)
Beleaguered by loan sharks, Fred hides out at the North Pole where Nick gives him a job to pay off his debts. No sooner does Fred arrive than he starts recycling sight-gags from Will Ferrell's 2003 comedy "Elf," and falling back on his obnoxious, motor-mouthing persona from "Wedding Crashers" and "The Break-Up."
In short order, Fred turns Santa's workshop from a bee-hive of efficiency into party central where the elves get down with their fun-loving selves.
This couldn't happen at a worse time for Santa. "The board" has dispatched a snake-like efficiency expert named Clyde (Kevin Spacey, emanating anger) to evaluate the workshop. Three strikes and Clyde shuts down the whole operation.
Meanwhile, human/elf relationships get explored by Santa's chief elf Willie (John Michael Higgins) who asks Fred for advice on how to woo the lovely Charlene (Elizabeth Banks), a full-sized human dressed more like a waitress at Hooters than a saint's assistant.
"Fred Claus" would be a complete disaster had it not been for two tiny snowflakes of creativity in Dan Fogelman's grinchy script.
Santa discovers that Clyde became a bitter person when, as a child, he never received the Superman suit he wanted for Christmas. (Spacey played the villainous Lex Luthor in "Superman Returns.")
When Fred winds up at a self-help group called "Siblings Anonymous," the attendees turn out to be famous people's real brothers, including Frank Stallone, Roger Clinton and Stephen Baldwin, each with major hostility issues toward their popular siblings.
Outside of these two smile-inducing moments, "Fred Claus" merely regifts Hollywood cliches, such as the "screaming-in-tandem" scene (as Fred and Nick crash into something) and the obligatory flashing of "thumbs-up" signs to convince us that we're watching a critically approved movie.
In the immortal words of Santa himself, "Ho, oh, no!"
"Fred Claus"
1 1/2 star
out of four
Opens today
Starring As
Vince Vaughn Fred Claus
Paul Giamatti Santa Claus
Miranda Richardson Annette Claus
Kevin Spacey Clyde
With Rachel Weisz, Kathy Bates and John Michael Higgins.
Screenplay by Dan Fogelman. Produced by Joel Silver, David Dobkin and Jesse Nelson. Directed by David Dobkin. A Warner Bros. release. Rated PG. Running time: 115 minutes.