Briefly, Urlacher answers
Brian Urlacher put the "brief" back into "media briefing" last week with a series of curt, almost adversarial answers.
As a result, you had questions for me relating to the Bears middle linebacker's state of mind.
Here is a transcript of our conversation for your further review:
Q. Mike, do you believe a team captain has a responsibility to fans, media and all the ships at sea to provide more than one- or two-word answers on, say, his performance, his team's performance and Mark Cuban's performance on "Dancing with the Stars"?
A. Yes.
Q. Could you elaborate?
A. No.
Q. Then do you still believe we should stop expecting athletes in general to come up with profound insights when they aren't intellectually equipped to do so?
A. Yes.
Q. Was Bears linebacker Lance Briggs an example of this when he refused to speak to the media for a few months, then broke his silence by saying he didn't mean anything he said back when he was saying it?
A. Yes.
Q. Wasn't Briggs a lot like boxing promoter Bob Arum blurting out, "Yesterday I was lying, today I'm telling the truth"?
A. Yes.
Q. Is something bothering you, Mike, because it sure seems from your own short answers that you have a bad case of Urlacheritis?
A. No, nothing.
Q. OK, can you remember a time during Urlacher's eight-year NFL career that he uttered something memorable?
A. November 2002.
Q. What was it?
A. Can't remember.
Q. Would it be fair to say you think Urlacher is portraying himself as a big baby by the way he responds to inquiring minds?
A. No.
Q. Really, then how would you characterize him after he answers assorted deep questions with little more than one or two shallow grunts?
A. Dumb jock.
Q. Er, no offense, but wouldn't that mean your short responses also make you a dumb jock?
A. Just dumb.
Q. Speaking of dumb, last week Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder admitted he "couldn't find London on a map if they didn't have the names of the countries," so what's the over-under on Urlacher finding London on a map?
A. 53.7 percent.
Q. That's better than half a chance, so do you think he's smarter than the average bear, or average Bear, for that matter?
A. No comment.
Q. For the record, could you find London on a map that didn't have the countries' names on it?
A. Next question.
Q. Why do you think Urlacher is charming in commercials and irritable in media briefings?
A. $.
Q. Now you're going to go from single-word answers to single-symbol answers?
A. Evidently.
Q. Could it be Urlacher simply doesn't like the media?
A. Impossible.
Q. Do you have any idea why Bears management continues to expose him to media briefings when he doesn't have anything to say or even want to be there?
A. Practical joke.
Q. Hmmmm, on him or you?
A. Yes.
Q. Well, thanks for your time, Mike, and would you like to add anything before we adjourn to swallow a bottle of Advil?
A. (Grunt.)