Since saying 'I do,' she won't

Q. I've been married two years and we dated for more than two years before that. While we were dating, my wife forgot to tell me that she'd flip a switch and things would be totally different after I became her husband.

Before marriage, we used to do stuff I liked as well as stuff she liked. Now, if she doesn't want to do it, she won't do it.

Before marriage, she didn't have a problem with my many volunteer endeavors. Now, she believes that I should just sit home with her.

Before marriage, I had alcohol in the house and she didn't have a problem with it. Now, there is no alcohol allowed in the house because she claims it's her religious belief and I should respect it.

She wants me to stop writing editorials in the local newspaper. She believes it reflects poorly on her because she is married to me.

Before marriage, she lived at home. Now, she is constantly on the telephone with her grandmother, who raised her since early childhood. Her biblical beliefs have not extended to leaving her family and cleaving to the marriage.

I've offered counseling, but she won't go because she thinks I'm the one with the problems and that I will somehow manipulate the counselor to "my way," whatever that is.

Do you know of other females who are easygoing prior to marriage and then flip a switch to unleash all sorts of unreasonable demands after marriage, claiming, "That's what a husband should do"?

Who Stole My Wife?

A. Let's be clear. This isn't something "females" do, this is something the woman you married has done.

Hax-baiting aside, you present a classic marital bait-and-switch, which brides and grooms alike have suffered since cave newlyweds first discovered that all those heroic paintings were in fact painted by the previous dweller.

You have grounds to be upset.

You have the right idea in counseling.

And since she isn't of like mind on either count, you have to consider plans B1, B2 and B3: B1. Stand up for her. She obviously feels she's the one with grounds to be upset, so ask her if there's a larger complaint driving these lesser ones. People who have feelings that are too big and scary to face often express these feelings in small and indirect ways, and even try to shift them elsewhere by blaming, controlling, running away. She also might be scared, at a loss as to how marriage works, and, in a pinch, drawing from stereotypes of what husbands "should" do.

If she won't go to counseling, go on your own, to get insights on her behavior -- or, maybe a better word, symptoms. To address the problem, you have to understand the problem.

B2. Stand up for you. Compromise wherever you're willing, hold fast everywhere else, be transparent in your reasoning, kind in your delivery, and see if either of you can live with the result.

B3. Stand up for reason. If you put in your best, most compassionate effort and still you're left with two people making each other miserable, suggest a trial separation.

I realize how these look, like the best of the bad choices. I'm sorry.

The good solutions are available, though, only when both spouses try.

© 2007, The Washington Post Co.