Doesn't feel good, does it (giggle)?

Today's essay is long overdue, but first the giggles had to be stifled a bit.

Michigan (giggle) and Notre Dame (giggle) play Saturday to determine which plunges to 0-3 for the season (giggle-giggle).

Welcome to my world, fellas. As an Illinois grad I'm accustomed to starting out 0-3, often as early as spring practice.

Not this season, however. No, no, no. This season the might-mighty Illini are 1-1 -- including a victory over previously mighty-mighty Western Illinois -- and on their way to a Big Ten title, national championship and possibly the Super Bowl.

Woof-woof-woof.

Meanwhile, Michigan and Notre Dame have Knute Rockne and Bo Schembechler peeking down through the hands over their eyes.

Giggle-giggle-giggle.

Couldn't happen to a couple of nicer programs. That's nice as in self-righteous, pompous, arrogant, obnoxious and insufferable.

In other words, Notre Dame and Michigan are everything all college football programs and their fans aspire to be.

Nobody wants to be in the company of anybody who behaves like an alum or booster of one of the best college sports teams in the nation. I don't think they even like to be around themselves.

I mean, would you want to sit on the next stool and trade shots of schnapps with an adult whose body is painted in school colors and is shouting, "How 'bout them us guys?!?!"

Better to make friends with an Illinois football fan. Over the years we generally answered in whispers when asked where we went to school. Sometimes I lied and said, "UIC." Or "Schurz High School." Mostly, though, it was "Avondale Grammar School" followed by an immediate trip to the men's room.

Instead of discussing the latest coaches' football poll, we'd discuss the latest presidential primary poll.

Then we'd move on to fixing the economy, to using a cocktail napkin to scribble ways to get out of Iraq and to figuring out what to do with school kids left behind.

You know, intellectually stimulating topics that the college-educated should address.

I never have been allowed into a circle of Michigan or Notre Dame fans, but surely they spend more time on fixing the Bowl Championship Series, designing offensive formations on cocktail napkins and keeping All-American linebackers eligible after they steal stereo equipment.

But now the squirm has turned.

The likes of Illinois (1-1) and Northwestern (2-0) will try to keep their national championship hopes alive this weekend, while Notre Dame (0-for-'07)) and Michigan (0-for-'07) will compete on "The Biggest Loser."

We'll be the ones giggling.

Taking a rooting interest in the Irish-Wolverines game won't be easy for the rest of us. It's difficult to like either, isn't it (giggle)? You wouldn't bet on one of these sorry teams, would you (giggle)? Admiring either coach isn't an option, is it (giggle)?

Yet it will be a football game on national television, meaning all red-blooded male and female Americans are required to watch.

It's the law, you know.

So take your pick: Holier-than-thou Notre Dame (giggle) or snobby Michigan (giggle)? Tubby blowhard Charlie Weis (giggle) or smug elitist Lloyd Carr (giggle)? Embarrassed leprechaun (giggle) or humiliated Wolverine (giggle)?

Heck, mighty-mighty Illinois has a better library, employs a less repulsive head coach and dumped a better mascot, er, symbol.

If you wimps at Michigan and Notre Dame got a problem with that, tough giggles to you.