Pre-existing ties can show truth about partner
Q. I have been dating a man for over two years. We are both single and in our early forties. He accuses me of being jealous and insecure over his longtime female friend. I must agree that I have started feeling this way.
She comes over to his house and "makes herself at home." I see my boyfriend every two weeks. They have been in this relationship for years. When he was with his (now) ex-wife, she would go out with the wife. She continues to be friends with the both of them.
When I am with my boyfriend, he typically takes me to places where she will be (or invites her where we'll be). When we are at the table, they talk with each other instead of talking to their dates. I feel awkward when others see this and I also feel like the "fifth wheel." He usually forgets to introduce me to people he knows. In our first year and a half together, I was with him for outings that his father and several of my boyfriend's associates attended. He did not ever introduce me to his father (I ended up introducing myself).
He has told me I cannot say anything derogatory about his "best" female friend, or else our relationship would be over. Does she have the right to say anything she wants about me? Would he accept this? I have never before been called a jealous person, and I have male and female friends, but I am starting to wonder if I really am jealous and insecure.
Walking Around in Forty Land
A. There are a few general ways to be a good sport in a relationship, and one of them is to be respectful of your partner's pre-existing entourage: family, good friends, colleagues, exes, neighbors, pets, old friends who have outlived every reason to stay friends except that they're old friends.
They got there first, and helped shape who he is -- so even if you don't like them, it's not your place to decide whether, how and how often your partner can see them.
Likewise, there are a few general ways to be a complete doormat in a relationship (a year and a half? Waiting to meet his father?), and one of them is to be so concerned with being a good sport that you don't even notice you're dating a jerk.
Your boyfriend doesn't talk to you, introduce you around, seek you out, relish chances to see you alone, protect you. But, hey, he does make time to make threats!
Of course you're jealous; the friend gets a kind version of your boyfriend, often right in your face. He values her and treats her accordingly. But the problem isn't that he's going to run off with her (though even you probably wish he would just make it official already).
It's that her presence allows you to see how well he can treat someone if he chooses to. It allows you to see that, with you, he's not choosing to.
I can't think of anything lonelier than dating someone on these terms.
You'd be in better company at home alone with a book.
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