Reaching out to cancer victims eases pain

During that dark time several years ago, when my husband had just been diagnosed with cancer, a friend of mine interrupted me while I was telling her the bad news.

"What are you having for dinner?" she asked, stopping my somewhat incoherent recital midstream. (That was probably a good thing.) Dinner? It was 10 a.m. At that point, I had to make it through the morning.

"I'll bring over dinner," she said firmly.

She was among the first in a loving, blessed group of people who gave us not only mostaciolli, minestrone soup, casseroles and brownies but also their love and support.

Cancer. Is there any adult out there now who hasn't been touched by this awful disease in some way? If your family hasn't been affected directly, you're lucky. If your family has been spared, certainly someone among your circle of friends hasn't been so fortunate.

People want to help, but frequently don't know what will ease the family's burden.

Of course, most people think of food, first. You nourish the body, you nourish the soul. The food is love and support in tangible, edible form. And the family has one less thing to worry about.

A friend of mine came up with an innovative way to help her sister through draining courses of treatment for cervical cancer. My friend contacted cousins and siblings and asked them all to contribute little wrapped gifts to be compiled into one big box. Then, every time my friend's sister was feeling down, she was to take out a little gift. Both the gift, as well as knowing someone was thinking about her, would lift her spirits.

My friend laughed when telling me about the box. Her sister and brother-in-law were so excited about the box, my friend said, "they opened everything at once."

Well, good ideas need to go forward. Another friend -- let's call her Beatrice -- recently was trying to help "Julie," undergoing her own cancer treatments. I told her about the box. Beatrice LOVED the idea and swung into action. Within a few days a care package landed on Julie's doorstep, filled with contributions from many friends. What was in the box? All kinds of little items, such as DVDs, scented candles, restaurant gift cards, CDs and books.

The Fox Valley Volunteer Hospice volunteers sometimes bring monthly gifts to their clients, little items such as a picture frame, decorative outdoor signs, even games, said a volunteer.

And the LivingWell Cancer Resources Center in Geneva is another good resource for those dealing with this disease.

People in knitting circles will knit hats for people, said Nancy Vance of the center. "We have prayer shawls people give to us, and Girls Scouts donate cookies," she said of other possible gifts people can give. "There are so many ways that people can get together to support people," she said.

Meals can frequently be an issue with cancer patients, and LivingWell offers a "culinary comforts class." Patients' appetites change, fatigue levels change, Vance said. "This class is designed to put a caregiver and a paient together to create healthy easy meals to give continued strength for therapy," she said.

Vance and I talked a bit about possible gift ideas and the sad reality that many of us will need such ideas more than once.

Current statistics indicate half of all women and a third of all men will at some point receive a cancer diagnosis, she said. "This is something that is not going away."

I took to the Internet for other ideas, and happened upon a blog written by someone currently undergoing treatments. She took things farther than most of the people I know would, creating a way for friends to sign up to purchase various suggestions.

I'm a little uncomfortable with the gift registry idea (including asking people to sign up for "dinner out at a fancy restaurant" at $80, or a "fabulous wig for going out on the town" at $180), but I think the woman's suggestions are great.

These possible gift items include a case of ginger ale or water, soup, relaxation CD, bed serving tray, a soft blanket for chemo treatment days, PJs, a deck of cards, paperback books, warm slippers, hand sanitizer, book light for long nights of insomnia, a pound of coffee, chocolates, fresh fruit, hypoallergenic body lotion, medicated lip balm and even a bag of homemade cookies.

The woman also suggested friends fund maid service once a month, pizza or Chinese food once a month, and even covering monthly hospital parking fees.

Others have pointed out that, depending on who in the family is ill, gifts for other family members are welcome, too, such as restaurant gift certificates, for a change of pace, special treats for the kids in the family, movie certificates.

Speaking as someone who's been there, notes of support, of cheer, of hope are also greatly appreciated.

My friend, who devised the "thinking of you" gift box, is thrilled her idea is going forward and helping others. She's just sorry such a gift is ever needed.

"Even just knowing people think about her in little ways throughout the ordeal has GOT to help," my friend wrote me one day, when I told her that the box had been a big hit. She just wished, she said, "I didn't know about this from experience."

We can't, unfortunately, change those circumstances. But we can -- with little gifts, notes and cheer -- alter how those circumstances affect life.