You can't custom-order your spouse's qualities

A few years ago a friend went looking for a new minivan. He'd done a bit of research and knew exactly what he did - and didn't - want. And he was willing to take some time to find the right brand, model and options.

The problem he ran into was that the cars he was looking at came with option packages already installed. And though he wanted some of these options, he also had to take a number of options he didn't want. He was told he could place a factory order and get closer to his ideal vehicle, but even then he would be required to take some options he didn't want and pay a premium in the process.

So he bought the van closest to what he wanted and hoped for the best. And "the best" is mostly what he got. He did have a few problems - ironically with some of the things he didn't want (those power sliding rear doors never did work right, no matter how many times they were fixed) - but overall he made a good choice.

In case you are wondering whether you picked up the auto section by mistake, let me reassure you: This is actually an analogy for what it's like to pick a husband or wife.

Most of us could do a good job of designing our ideal marital partner. Especially if we have been in a number of relationships and lived a few years into adulthood, we usually know by experience the sort of people who make ideal companions for us.

Unfortunately, such people don't exist. In the real world (as opposed to the fantasy worlds we find in movies, on TV, in books and so on), there just isn't anybody out there who will have all the qualities we would like in our ideal mates while having none of the qualities we would not like.

It's just like my friend's experience in buying a new car. You take what's in the package, want it or not.

Some of the unwanted qualities we get when we choose a spouse, even the best possible spouse, are minor irritants, if they bother us at all. If we take a good look at our marriages, even when they are at their best, we all will realize there are some things in each other that we wouldn't exactly "order," but we have no trouble living with.

On the other hand, there is almost always a quality or two (or three or four) in our partners that are not only unwanted, but often significant problems in our relationships.

Even when our partners are the loves of our lives, even when we wouldn't trade them in for anything, some things still just get on our nerves, drive us nuts or push us to the limit.

All of this leads us to some concrete suggestions for picking our partners.

First, we want to spend a good bit of time getting to know who they really are. And that means not just who we want them to be, but those parts of their personalities, lifestyle, etc., that don't fit with our idealized image of the perfect mate.

Second, we need to go into any long-term relationship with the understanding that it is unlikely many, perhaps most, of the things that bother us about or partners are going to change. Some researchers suggest that as much as two thirds of the issues that cause serious marital problems are rooted in qualities that are part of our partner's core personalities. Such personality-based qualities are highly resistant to change, if changeable at all.

Third, we need to develop solid communication and conflict-management skills so we can talk about the qualities that are problematic, make whatever changes are possible, and figure out how to live with what can't be changed.

Fourth, we need to cut each other a whole lot of slack. Even when change is possible, it will often be difficult, costly and slow. Sometimes we may decide it just isn't worth the effort.

What can often help us in developing greater tolerance for our partners' idiosyncrasies and irritants is consciously choosing to focus on all the qualities in them that we value. It also helps sometimes to take a good look at the less-than-attractive qualities we bring to our relationships.

A good dose of humility can help us sees our spouses through much kinder eyes.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."