Moving 'Together Forward'
Survivors: Some still can't talk about what happened that day
By Jamie Sotonoff | Daily Herald StaffCertain cues can make Cole Hall shooting survivors relive the nightmare.
Doors slamming. Fireworks or other loud noises. A helicopter overhead. Someone walking in during the middle of class.
The cues prompt flashbacks to Valentine's Day, when a gunman killed five students and injured 21 others in a lecture hall at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb.
Sometimes, the flashbacks fade after just a few deep breaths. The worst ones can make a person feel the same level of fear and horror as on that day.
"It can wrack your whole sense of safety," said NIU social worker and therapist Sheryl Frye. "In our society, we're supposed to go back to business as usual ... but you feel like a different person after you've gone through something like this."
Nearly 10 months after the shooting, a "small percentage" of the 116 people in the room during the shooting continue to have "major struggles," said Scott Peska, director of NIU's Office of Support & Advocacy, They suffer depression, nightmares and post-traumatic stress disorder, a kind of anxiety once linked mostly to soldiers returning from war.
That's not unusual - 10 to 30 percent of people suffering such a traumatic experience typically struggle with their recovery, Frye said.
Other Cole Hall survivors feel like they're getting back to normal. "We've moved on," said Kevin Sundstrom of Rockford, who was in the Introduction to Ocean Science class with his younger brother Paul. "There's not a day that I don't think about it five times. But we're not going to let what he did change the way we live."
Physical wounds don't necessarily translate into greater emotional distress: A student who was seriously injured moves ahead with new focus, while a friend who saw her shot can barely speak of that day. A strong support network helps, Frye said. That's the role of the Office of Support & Advocacy, created after Feb. 14 to coordinate help for those affected by the shooting. Its staff contacted all 116 people who were in the Cole Hall auditorium. About 30 never requested any assistance from the university, and some of them never replied to repeated voice- and e-mails, Peska said.
That isn't necessarily bad - perhaps they are coping fine by themselves or turned to family, friends or other professionals, he said.
Even Cole Hall survivors who graduated still hear from Peska and his staff. "I still get e-mails from NIU checking up on me to see if I'm OK, and I think that helps," said Patrick Korellis of Lindenhurst, a May graduate who was hit by shotgun pellets in Cole Hall.
Stepping out of the shelter of campus can be hard. May graduate Desiree Smith, 22, of Bolingbrook often is asked where she went to school and inevitably ends up retelling the story of her escape from Cole Hall.
"Every time I say I went to NIU, I don't want to have to tell the story, or be labeled as the girl who was in the room. I don't want that identity for the rest of my life," she said.
In an effort to move forward, some students seek answers to questions: Why did the gunman do this? Why did he pick that class? Or that day?
The police report has not been made public, even though the gunman killed himself at the scene. When the report is ultimately released, NIU Police Chief Donald Grady said it won't provide anyone with closure.
"We may never know why he did it," he said. "If that's what you need for closure, you may never get it."
Post-trauma growth
The university has provided tremendous support to the people affected by this shooting, offering everything from private psychiatric sessions to free monthly dinner get-togethers at local restaurants. Students and their families applaud NIU's handling of the recovery process and the university's extensive outreach efforts. Likewise, counselors are amazed at the students' strength and resolve to move ahead.
A few of the shooting survivors are even experiencing something known as post-traumatic growth.
Though its name is a play on the stress disorder, people with PTG transcend the traumatic event and emerge focused, stronger and, in some cases, better people. It could be something small, like appreciating Mom and Dad more. Or it could be big, like a spiritual awakening or a clear focus on life's purpose.
People who experience PTG still suffer from the same emotional distress; they just process their pain differently, experts say.
Shooting survivor Maria Ruiz Santana, for example, was rescued in Cole Hall by NIU Police Chief Donald Grady. The two have become friends, and now she's pursuing a career in law enforcement.
The Sundstrom brothers feel an even closer bond because they were in Cole Hall together.
Families recover
The families and friends of the survivors - and even some people who have no connection to the shootings - are also going through an emotional recovery process, much like they did after 9/11.
Santana's parents still have nightmares about the shootings. Her father, Alfredo Ruiz, often catches himself looking at the clock at 3:30 p.m., which was around the time he got the call about his daughter. His wife, Rebeca Santana-Ruiz, keeps her cell phone with her 24/7, even when she's at home.
"It makes you more afraid, no matter where you are, that something can happen," Ruiz said. "There's no safe place now, for anybody."
After Maria was shot, her parents repeatedly called her cell phone and didn't get an answer. So they created their own therapeutic exercise: They tell their children not to always answer when they call. That helps them overcome their fear that something bad has happened when no one answers. They also make a conscious decision not to get stuck in the past.
"My goal for today is to be happy. What do I really need to be happy? For my family to be happy," Maria's mother said. "I'm also trying harder to appreciate every single thing."
Traumatic events often make people think the world is full of evil people, but it can also have the opposite effect: A realization that there are far more good people than bad.
Some of the survivors, who did not know each other before the shootings, have developed strong friendships and have supported each other during rough patches.
Santana's family, who moved to the United States from Mexico nine years ago, were stunned to receive 600 e-mails, daily flower deliveries, and cards from strangers all over the country who were praying for them. Friends and co-workers rallied around them, providing moral support and more food than they could possibly eat.
"We thought we were by ourselves here in Elgin ... but we know now that we really have friends," Ruiz said. "We found out that we have a big family here."
• Staff writers Barry Rozner, Jameel Naqvi and Kimberly Pohl contributed to this report
