Samantha Brunell

Brian Hill | Staff Photographer

Profiles of students

Nicole Berns
Jenna Broderick
Samantha Brunell
Dan Ciamprone
Patrick Korellis
Monique Caspillan and Lhee Santos
Desiree Smith
Kevin Sundstrom
Jillian Thomas
Lindsay Ullmann
Chris Werve

Profiles of victims

Gayle Dubowski
Catalina Garcia
Julianna Gehant
Ryanne Mace
Daniel Parmenter

'I just got so mad'

Samantha Brunell dreams of being first on the scene of breaking news, standing in front of the camera with a reporter's notebook in hand.

The Northern Star staff writer is wired to dig deep and reconstruct a scene for a story. But on Feb. 14, along with the rest of her Geology 104 classmates, she became the story.

"I've always wanted to be the kind of reporter you see covering the front lines," said the sophomore broadcast journalism major. "You'll read in the newspaper that a reporter got hurt or even shot - it's a risk I'm willing to take."

The Gurnee native had just a few months' reporting experience under her belt when she became an eyewitness to the shootings. She was in the rare position to write a powerful narrative using her own voice.

In a column that ran 10 days after the shootings, Brunell described her chilling account of what happened in the auditorium. How she was thrilled that day at the prospect of signing an apartment lease with her best friend. How she was working on the Star crossword puzzle in class because the guy in front of her blocked the view of the instructor's PowerPoint lesson. How she stared, unmoving, at the "tall, skinny boy whose face was void of emotion."

The Star column, which came at her mother's suggestion, was a one-time deal. Aside from an article about the lack of funding to rebuild Cole Hall, editors saw most other coverage of the shooting by Brunell as a conflict of interest.

"I said my two cents," said Brunell, the oldest of three children. "I don't know if anybody read it, but just getting it out felt better."

The Warren Township High School graduate was also one of several contributors to the NIU Needs Answers blog, which organizers termed a citizen journalism project. In her Feb. 25 entry, she gave tips on how to deal with classes resuming that day. To overcome her loss of appetite, she turned to chocolate and soup from Panera. She also relayed her new motto: lightning never strikes the same place twice.

Just as therapeutic was the blazin' chicken wing challenge Brunell covered shortly after returning back to campus following a week during which NIU was closed. "It was vital I do something fun and silly," she said.

Still, Brunell spiraled into a self-described "rage phase" for the remainder of the school year. Staying busy helped cut down on the mood swings and save her friendships, so all free time was spent at the newspaper. She even set up a punching bag in her parents' basement and taped the shooter's picture to the wall, but an ankle injury made that a short-lived activity.

"I just got so mad - angry at him, the police, the people who wanted to be on TV just to be on TV, at everyone," said Brunell. "For a while it was, 'I punch this or I punch you.'"

Her concerned parents took her to "talk to someone, but that was a disaster." Her parents also made her live in the dorms again, and now it's understood her phone must always be in her hand or pocket. It was a deal she worked out with her mom after hers flew off the desk that day in class.

"My mom's like me. It's the what-ifs," Brunell said. "She couldn't watch anything because she says she just sees me in that casket. She had a really hard time and is trying to block it out completely. It's a comfort thing that she knows I always have my phone with me."

Brunell, who says she thinks she sees the shooter in different places, said everyone is coping differently. She says she's accepted what happened and mostly wants to be left alone. But she is hoping to get that elusive sense of closure. Maybe that means the FBI releasing more information on the shooter's personal life. Or just once opening up the auditorium to survivors. And she's appreciative - but a little annoyed - at the frequent calls and e-mails from the NIU Office of Support & Advocacy.

"Some people are better off not talking about it," she said. "I've got a few close friends I can turn to."

You won't find Brunell on campus when NIU marks the one-year anniversary. "All the memorials and vigils just make me so sad," she said. But there was never a moment's hesitation to return to NIU. All her friends are in DeKalb. And though they're circumstances she wouldn't wish on anyone, she's hoping being a part of the tragedy will help her career. She's been exposed to the national media, taking part in a panel with ABC News anchor Charles Gibson.

"I'll be a better reporter because I know what it's like to be on both sides," she said.

In April, Brunell was with that same Geology 104 class when she got word via text message that a bomb threat, which turned out to be unfounded, had prompted the evacuation of the Health Services building. She froze, memories of Feb. 14 rushing back.

"My editor could tell I was kind of nervous and said I could either go run and hide or do my job," said Brunell. "So she gave me a pad of paper and I started doing my job."