How to build a strong relationship with teens to weather tough times

We wound up raising five teenagers. I'd like to report that we finally got things down to a science, but I'm sure that as soon as I make such a claim something will come up to prove me dramatically wrong.

Over the years, however, I have learned enough as both a parent and a family therapist that I do have some general ideas about what tends to work with most teens most of the time. As long as I throw in qualifiers like "general," "tends" and "most" I think I'm safe, so let me share with you some of the ideas I've come up with.

Encourage, affirm

As a basic rule, whenever we can, we want to find things to encourage, praise and affirm in what our teens say or do. This is not always easy, but it is essential. It's kind of like laying a foundation. A good base of good feelings between us and our teens helps them to see us as allies rather than enemies, and also goes a long way toward making the inevitable conflicts in our relationships easier to manage.

Be present

Let's stay engaged. I credit my father-in-law with this one. No matter what, we need to offer our presence in our teens' lives, but not demand their presence in our lives.

If we are heading out to run errands, for example, we can invite our teens to come along but not make a big deal if they aren't interested. Even a little bribery now and then ("hey, why don't you tag along and we can swing by and grab lunch") is worth a try.

Though there may be some times together that are not negotiable, the less we force togetherness and the more we make it attractive the better off we'll be.

Listen and empathize

We want to listen to and empathize with our teenagers and, as much as possible, try not to interrogate, critique or advise them.

This isn't because they don't sometimes need to be interrogated, critiqued or advised. It's just because, unless our input is invited, it is usually resented and ignored. Sure, we need to know where they are, who they're with, and what they're doing. And there are some times when they need to hear a word of correction.

We just need to remember that if we can give them some space, they are more likely to invite us into that space, and that if we let them learn from their own mistakes, they will learn more quickly and make fewer mistakes.

Manage conflict

We need to handle conflict constructively. We could write a book on this. At its most basic, good conflict management involves remembering our goal (like it or not, we are getting these kids ready to be out on their own); slowing things down so that we are in control of what's going on and not just reacting out of our feelings; trying to understand where our teens are coming from; deciding whether or not the fight is really worth having (like, do we really want to try to make them eat their vegetables); and deciding whether or not this is the right time to deal with the conflict (maybe we both just need to cool down).

I also suggest we identify for ourselves whether we have a roommate issue (having to do with living together) or a parent issue (having to do with our responsibilities as legal guardians) and make sure to frame the conflict accordingly.

Cleaning up the kitchen is a roommate issue: our teens will have to deal with this with whomever they live. It can help to point that out to them. Drinking is a parent issue. We are responsible for teaching them about responsible drinking (and not drinking) and are accountable when they don't follow the rules.

When we are in conflict with our teens, we always want to use a measured response. Our approach needs to fit the situation. If we use the nuclear option for a minor provocation - grounding for six months for not emptying the dishwasher - what do we do for the bigger stuff? We also want to avoid win/lose solutions and find a way to give our teens a way to save face and to feel like they are winning in some way. Even if it is a matter of saying that they have a right to their opinions but they need to do it our way for now, they are still winning a bit.

This includes not only being willing to agree to disagree, but also letting our teens learn from experience when it is safe to do so. Flunking math as a sophomore in high school is a lot safer than flunking math when you are a sophomore in college, or "flunking" when you are working as an accountant.

Finally, when it comes to conflict with our teens, we want to allow the conflict to come to an end and find a way to re-establish our relationship. As much as they may often act like we don't matter to them, we still do.

Once we have worked through our differences we need to, as soon as possible, reach out to them in a positive and affirming way, even when we don't feel like it. And we'll probably have to make the first move (but, then, we are the adults).

Remember ...

Some miscellaneous stuff. We want to remember that the clock is ticking. We have only so much time left with our teen to enjoy or tolerate. We also want to remember that we are the adults and have the greater brain development, knowledge, experience and wisdom, so we need to act like it.

It's a good idea to also keep in mind that we have limited power; we need to use it sparingly, selectively and carefully. And we might want to remind ourselves that we will be parents and children - albeit adult children - for the rest of our lives; so let's not do something now that we will regret for the rest of our lives.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaracare Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."