How to handle an empty nest that's no longer empty

A number of years ago, demographers noticed what seemed to be an alarming trend.

More and more young adults were returning to live with their parents. Whether because of economic necessity, divorce, convenience, or all of the above, empty nests were filling up again.

A good many students of family life, myself included, immediately sounded the alarm at such a development. We assumed that newly liberated Mom and Dad would resent the intrusion of adult children back into their lives and the limitations once again placed on their midlife freedom.

We predicted that, after a taste of life on their own, adult children would find living under their parents watchful eyes again to be intimidating and inhibiting.

And we warned that many of the same issues of autonomy and power that had arisen during these children's adolescence - and been settled only by their leaving home - would simply resurface.

The trend has continued, and today nearly one in three unmarried adults lives with a parent.

But guess what? We were wrong.

Research on such "crowded nest" families suggests they actually do quite well. In fact, members of such multigenerational households generally report a high level of satisfaction with such a configuration.

Parents in such families seem to find ways to preserve special time for themselves as a married couple. And it turns out that adult children usually have developed sufficient competency and confidence that they are comfortable making their own decisions and sticking to them.

Issues tend to be settled more democratically, with parents and adult children seeing each other more as roommates than adversaries.

Overall, the key seems to be both parents and children showing a mature respect for each other's need for space, freedom and consideration.

Of course, things are seldom perfect. It takes some work to negotiate such living arrangements.

Troubled couples remain troubled even with the return of a child to the home. Irresponsible adult children remain irresponsible even if they are again living with Mom and Dad.

The fact is, however, that reasonably healthy couples and reasonably healthy adult children seem to do just fine living in the same household.

There are some things we can do to promote such family health:

• Be clear about what our mutual expectations are (even put them in writing).

• Start with the assumption that we are all adults and deserve to be treated as such (even when we are tempted to revert to being parents and children).

• Use a "roommate" model of understanding how we will all live under the same roof.

• When issues arise, specify whether they are roommate issues or parent-child issues.

• If our roommate arrangement begins to undercut our parent-child relationship, save the latter. Roommates are temporary, parents and children are forever.

• If we get really stuck, find a good family therapist to work with us on how to either begin or end our experiment in shared adult living.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."