Pain can be a symptom of family problem

I think it's an old Three Stooges routine. Moe slaps Larry across the face. Larry looks unconcerned, but Curly yells "Ouch!" and takes on Moe.

It is a strange idea, which is why we find it somewhat amusing. One person is hurt, but another shows the pain and tries to stop it.

Truth, though, is even stranger than fiction. In our families, it often happens that while one part of the family is hurting, another part shows the pain and even tries to ease it.

It's the Three Stooges, but for real. Let me give you a few examples.

A husband and wife constantly fight. It seem like the marriage is always on the verge of breaking up. That's the hurt. And though this couple may have learned to live on such a marital roller coaster, their children have not. One of their daughters develops problems in school.

Family systems theory would suggest this child is showing the pain for her parents' marriage.

She also may unconsciously be attempting to solve her parents' problems. Mom and Dad do stop fighting when they come together to deal with her school difficulties. She may find it easier to deal with their yelling at her than with their yelling at each other.

Another example. A family is always busy. People become distant and out of touch with each other - a serious problem if it goes unchecked.

Gradually the youngest child, a 2-year-old, is increasingly bothered by stomach aches, vomiting, etc., which his physician attributes to emotional stress - the family's pain.

His parents and older siblings start spending time at home together out of concern for him, which lessens the pain in their previous distance.

One more. A mother is not able to let go of her 17-year-old daughter - creating the problem. A younger sister starts causing trouble in the family - exhibiting the pain - forcing Mom to give her extra attention.

As a result, the older sister has the space to act like the young adult she is - the unintended solution.

In each example of families in pain, one family member shows this pain by becoming a problem.

And in doing so, these family members also provide a short-term solution to the family difficulties.

Usually nobody in the family, including the person showing the pain, actually realizes what is going on. Everyone goes along with the solution, though, because it often seems easier than addressing what is really wrong.

There are two dangers in this approach, however.

First, though the family problem is taken care of short term, sooner or later it will get so bad that it can't be side stepped. Things wind up worse than if they had been dealt with directly to begin with.

Second, the family member showing the pain pays an awful price for attempting to solve the family problem. Emotional and behavioral problems often develop that will plague him or her for years to come.

Obviously, it makes sense to deal with our family pain up front, and quickly.

Sometimes we can do it on our own. Sometimes we may need help.

Even when one person is already trying to solve the family problem by being a problem him- or herself, it is not too late.

A good family therapist can probably help sort through things and put them back in order.

Families do have problems. And problems hurt.

Families working together can solve these problems and end the hurt.

That's the truth, nothing strange about it.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."