Children learn from how we handle our emotions

"Dad, is this you when you're excited?"

I know I'm a bit laid back, but I didn't realize I was so emotionally opaque to my daughter that she didn't even know when I was excited. I guess I needed to rethink my parenting strategy a bit.

Actually, figuring out when and how to show our emotions to our children is one of the more challenging parts of being a parent. On one hand, children need some protection from their parents' emotional ups and downs.

On the other hand, they also need to learn about the role of emotions in relationships. Balancing these two needs requires that we consider five distinct dynamics:

1. Our children's developmental stage. Kids can handle different things at different points in their growing up. A 3-year-old might be downright frightened when he sees his mother jump for joy, but a 13-year-old probably will respond with a bemused smile. An 8-year-old might cringe with anxiety when her Dad lets out a few expletives at the driver who just cut him off, while a 19-year-old likely would take it in stride.

As adults, we process how other people express their emotions through a cognitive filter that usually allows us to put them in the proper perspective. Children have neither the cognitive development nor the experience to do this.

Children need for parents to filter their own raw emotional energy - positive and negative - so that its expression does not overwhelm them. And when we are in doubt as to how much of our emotional output our kids can handle, it's always better to err on the cautious side.

2. Our children's personalities. Each of our children is different. This includes how they deal with emotions - their own and others'. Some kids seem to have pretty thick skins when it comes to feelings. They may even enjoy emotions expressed with a good deal of energy.

Other kids are more sensitive and find energetic emotional expression to be a bit disconcerting. Again, because parents are so important in the lives of their children, we especially need to tailor our own expression of feelings to the unique personalities of each of our children.

3. Our children's current situation. What's going on in our children's lives at any particular time plays a role in how they interpret and respond to other's emotions. If they are down in the dumps for some reason, they may misinterpret a parent's excitement or joy as a lack of sensitivity to their feelings and withdraw in response.

If they are having a rough time making new friends, they may see any frustration or anger expressed by parents as yet more rejection and simply disintegrate in tears.

We want to temper our own emotional expression, then, with a good deal of sensitivity to what our children are already coping with.

4. Appropriate expressions of emotions. Regardless of how old our children are, who they are, or what's going on in their lives, there should always be some limits on how we express our emotions. Actually, that holds true for all relationships.

Some ways of expressing feelings are just never OK. For example, jumping for joy is not appropriate in a quiet theater, no matter whether our kids can handle it or not. Road rage is not appropriate, understandable or not.

As I mentioned above, parents need to teach their children about the role of emotions in relationships, including their healthy expression. As a general rule, we can say that any expression of emotions that includes (or even hints at) violence, or any expression that is rude or inconsiderate, is not what we want to model for our kids.

Emotions need to be expressed in ways that are nonthreatening and that take into account the rights and sensibilities of those around us.

5. Appropriate explanations of emotions. One of the best ways for children to understand their parents' emotions - and to learn about their own - is to talk about them.

Parents need to tell their children what they are feeling and why they are feeling it. "I'm really excited because I got the new job," or "I sure am angry at your brother for borrowing the car without asking," helps kids to connect a behavior with an emotional label and also to understand how our emotions are linked to what's going on in our lives.

Labeling our emotions and explaining their origins helps our kids learn to label their own feelings and see how they fit their own experiences. It also gives them a lot more control over what they feel and how they express these feelings.

I suspect many parents haven't done a great job working through their own emotions and how they affect their relationships. We may find that we learn as much as our children if we take seriously the five dynamics above.

No matter how emotionally mature we may be, however, we are still responsible as parents for both protecting our children from our own emotional ups and downs and teaching them about the role of emotions in their relationships.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."