Is needy girlfriend worth the price?

Carolyn Hax is away. The following are from 2003.

Q. My girlfriend and I have had an up-and-down relationship for four years, complete with several breakups. We keep getting drawn back to each other - there are qualities we see in each other that we simply don't in other people. But she is very demanding emotionally, and I end up feeling like I don't have enough time for work, friends and non-shared interests. Her demands push me to the limit, and I eventually get angry. I've told her I feel worn out by her, that I can't do or be everything she wants in a mate. Recently, I delicately brought up that she was high-maintenance. She told me that belittled her feelings, but her response was so practiced that it was obvious some other guys said the same thing. I know I can't change her, but are there things I could do to foster a less high-maintenance style?

A. Yes - don't maintain it. Stop being what she wants in a mate, start being yourself.

Either the roof will fall in or it won't - but both outcomes warrant a round of applause, just for busting you out of a rut that has you using terms like "very demanding emotionally." You need to be you, she needs to be needy, and it's time you both figured out whether you can be these things bearably together.

Or, not. We pluck people out of the crowd because they satisfy some inner requirement in us. No friend or mate or family member is ever perfect, though, and not every requirement is healthy, so there's always some dealmaking involved; getting anything you want always costs something else.

You say your girlfriend possesses some rare qualities - for which you pay with your energy/free time/your right to live drama-free. Sometimes all it takes to break a relationship impasse is a conscious decision, once and for all, yes or no, whether a person is worth her price.

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