The conflict between 'thinking' and 'feeling'

We've all been there.

Our "head" knows what we need to do.

Our "heart" won't let us.

This inner conflict between our rational, thinking selves and our nonrational, feeling selves can tear us apart. Yet somehow we have to make some sort of decision (and usually do something) we can live with.

The problem has to do with what roles we are assigning thoughts and emotions in our lives. Each plays an important part in who we are, and they must work together for us to be "whole" persons. Yet they also have different jobs, especially when it comes to making decisions and acting on them.

Emotions are the icing on the cake, the spice in life. They provide richness, texture, depth, breadth. Life would not be worth living without them. They need to be acknowledged, experienced and expressed.

Of course, not all emotions are pleasant. Hurt, anger and disappointment are emotions we'd just as soon live without. But they are part of the package. If we are to feel emotions such as pleasure, joy, or satisfaction, we have to accept less pleasant emotions as well.

Thoughts are how we attempt to bring some sense and order to our day-to-day lives. They also help us figure out the "who, what, when and where" (and even part of the "why"). They can be profound (how to bring peace to the world) or basic (how to avoid the traffic jam getting home).

Decision making is a thinking process. It requires that we collect information, sift through it, draw conclusions, etc.

Our emotions are an important part of what we need to think about, but they are not there to dictate our decisions.

For example, do we tell our spouse we're upset? We dread conflict, are afraid of our spouse's anger, are frustrated at our poor conflict management, are tired of working so hard in our marriage - all emotions.

Yet we think it through. We realize that the best choice for our marriage is to sit down and try to talk about it (and probably go see a marriage counselor as well). Even though it is the right decision, it still won't feel good. But feeling good cannot be the criteria for decision making.

Now, this doesn't mean that thoughts are more important than emotions. Thinking is not superior to feeling (all you men, listen up). Thoughts and emotions are equally valuable. Not feeling is just as destructive as not thinking.

Oh, if you're one of those people (like me) who prefers ideas to be neat and tidy, I'm going to disappoint you. There are two other factors to take into account here.

The first is often called "intuition." I suspect intuition is probably "unconscious" thinking. We figure things out without even knowing we're doing it.

We need to take our intuitions seriously, but probably also double check them by thinking things through on a conscious level as well.

The second has to do with our spiritual selves. Many people see their spiritual selves as the final mediator of all decisions and actions. They sometimes find that their spiritual selves even suggest they act in ways that don't seem logical or rational at the time (though it is surprising how often such "spirit directed" decisions and actions make perfect sense in hindsight).

Prayer and meditation are some of the ways people access their spiritual selves as they seek guidance in decision making.

Let's go back to where we started - our thinking and feeling selves. It seems like we're suggesting we need to value both, and assign to each its appropriate function.

A final thought. There is an emotional payoff for all this. It seems like the more we decide and act according to our thinking, the more we get comfortable with the unpleasant emotional consequences of some of our decisions and actions. It takes time, but we do learn to live with sometimes not feeling good.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."