Teens' big dreams often provoke parents

When in doubt, do nothing.

A friend of mine has turned this platitude into a major strength in the parenting of his teenage sons.

Teens love to dream big dreams. They love to think wild, outlandish thoughts. They can set fantastically ambitious and unrealistic goals and directions.

And teens love to provoke, shock and antagonize. Sometimes the dreams, thoughts, goals and directions they profess have no other purpose than to get a reaction out of the adults - especially parents - around them.

What my friend realized is that most of his sons' dreams, thoughts, goals and directions never became any more than just that. In fact, the bigger, wilder, more outlandish, more fantastic, more unrealistic they were, the less likely they were to come true.

This insight took a lot of pressure off him as a parent. He could sit and listen to his sons share their latest dreams and actually enjoy their excitement and enthusiasm rather than feel the immediate need to put a damper on what he suspected - or was sure - was an idea that was doomed to failure, or worse. And he could keep his cool despite what he suspected were obvious efforts to get him hot and bothered.

I'm not saying he abdicated his role as a parent. He continued to set limits, offer guidance. He just held off from doing either until he was fairly sure his sons' latest obsession might actually evolve from fantasy to fact.

Imagine the freedom he had. He found himself saying things like: "That's certainly a big dream; it's important to have big dreams." Or, "You've got quite an idea there; let me know if you decide to do something with it so we can talk about it a bit more." Or, "It sounds like you'd really like to try that; if you're sure, let's figure out what your limits are." I've field-tested this approach some with my own three teens and found it really does work. And there certainly is a lot less conflict in our family when I'm more relaxed.

There's also a lot more fun. As I listen to my teens share their own ambitions, I not only can share in their excitement, but find myself revisiting some of my own past dreams and goals. I can even rekindle some of my initial enthusiasm for these. Who knows, maybe my teens will have to rein me in every now and then.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."