Look for positives in others' words

My friend's story (shared with his permission) goes something like this.

An aging distance runner, he decided to run a marathon after a seven-year hiatus. After a few months of training, he had accumulated a good many aches and pains and also realized he had slowed down considerably, but he persevered.

Race day came, sunny and hot. It was a long 26-plus miles for the thousands of runner who participated. Yet my friend crossed the finish line, not only in the time he'd set as his goal, but in the top third of the finishers as well.

Exhausted but satisfied, he found a buddy who'd come down to the race to cheer him on. "Great job!" exclaimed his friend. "Oh, hey," he added, "and did you hear about the one-legged woman? You finished right behind her!"

In the midst of thousands of finishers and fans, I still suspect that my friend's silence was deafening.

Actually, much attention had been given on race day to the presence of an older woman - formerly an accomplished runner - who had come back from an amputation of her leg below the knee to compete again. It was a great story; not only had she finished, but she'd turned in a respectable time.

For my friend, however, realizing that despite his best efforts he had finished behind "the one-legged woman" momentarily deflated his sense of accomplishment. And his buddy, realizing too late the unintended consequences of his remark, certainly felt chagrined.

The uncomfortable moment didn't last long. After all, he was middle-aged man who had just run 26 miles at a good, solid pace, and his buddy was truly supportive. In fact, they both were laughing about it all not more than a few moments later.

In retrospect, this story offers three great lessons (take your choice):

1. Even the best-intentioned statements sometimes miss their mark. We may not have used the best words, or our timing may be a bit off, or whatever. But we should keep trying. Even a somewhat off the mark word of support is better than no word at all.

2. Sometimes you've got to hear what was meant rather than what was said. And if you can interpret another person's remark as either positive or negative, choose the positive. You'll usually be right, and you'll certainly be happier.

3. If your sense of accomplishment is based on being the best, or on whom you beat, then you will never really feel successful. All of us need to set realistic goals for ourselves and focus on those, not on what others are doing.

In other words, we need to be able to celebrate our own success and the success of the one-legged woman.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."