Praise always works better than fear

We all know that employees work hardest, children behave best and people cooperate most under pressure.

It's the threat - of job loss, of punishment, of conflict - that really motivates people. That's just common sense.

Like a lot of "common sense," however, that may not be as sensible as we all assume.

Yes, people will often work harder if we crack the whip. Children will behave if we apply a belt liberally to their posterior. And we can intimidate a good many people into going along by threatening to blow up or cause a scene.

That doesn't necessarily mean those are the best ways to motivate people, though. In fact, over the long term, they usually do more harm than good.

For example, employees who feel threatened and insecure eventually leave, or sullenly do just enough to get by. Children who are scared into behaving usually learn not to get caught rather than developing their own inner sense of what's appropriate. A friend or spouse intimidated into agreeing ultimately builds up a wall of resentment that cuts off any chance of intimacy.

Believe me, there's an easier way. In fact, the best way to motivate people is actually through praise rather than threat.

It's really rather simple. We praise our employees for hard work. We praise our children for appropriate behavior. We praise our spouse or friend for openness to compromise and change.

Not too surprisingly, such praise motivates these people to change. And, the research is clear, it always works better in the long run than any other method.

Now, our praise does need to be honest and sincere. It can't just be an attempt to manipulate other people. We've got to truly mean what we say.

And, we usually can't totally forego threat, or "the law of natural consequences" (a better way to say it).

Employees who deliberately procrastinate despite our efforts to help and warnings need to suffer the consequences. Children who deliberately disobey despite our firm and fair discipline need to pay the penalty (though never a physical penalty). Friends (or a spouse) who stubbornly refuse to discuss a problem need to be confronted.

Such natural consequences always work 100 percent better, though, when we couple them with the use of sincere praise.

Still not convinced? Then let me leave you with a question. You know, we have all been employees, children, or friends. How do you like to be treated - praise or threat? Think about it.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."