How to build on 'constructive' criticism

We've all heard the speech: "You know, overall I think you're doing a good job. But there are a few things I want to talk to you about. Now, this is constructive criticism …"

Yeah, right. About 99 percent of the time, the only thing constructive about what follows is the building of the other person's ego or sense of relief at getting things "off my chest."

A good deal of the criticism we are subjected to is meant to be constructive. Sure, there are people out there who intend to put us down, undercut our confidence, sabotage our performance, and build themselves up in the process.

Most of our critics, however, really do want to help. Employers, managers, partners, customers, teachers, spouses, parents and all the other people who are necessarily in a position to judge us do want to help us do better, and they recognize they also will do better in the process.

Destructive criticism, then, is more often a lack of good skill than a lack of good will. Recognizing this, though, doesn't solve our problem if we're the one being destructively criticized.

There actually are a few things we can do to make destructive criticism more constructive, even when we are on the receiving end. For example:

• Join with the critic. Go back to our opening vignette. We could stop the process right there, saying to our boss, "Mary, would you mind if I listed your ideas on the white board so we don't miss any?" We could even use three columns, listing things she likes (and wants to see more of), things she doesn't like, and things she'd like to change or add to what we are doing. Assuming we can be this assertive with our boss, we are letting her know we take her seriously and putting a more constructive spin on her comments.

• Join with the critic in private after the public scolding if our boss finds such assertiveness threatening to her authority when done in front of a group.

• When we encounter the "one minute critic" - people who want to have their say but not spend any time dealing with the consequences of their criticism - we can (briefly) acknowledge we heard them, repeat to them what we heard, and ask for a time later in which they can sit down and talk more about their concerns. We can then use the first strategy or something similar.

• If we've done all we can to help our destructive critics be constructive and they still don't get it (or don't want to get it), then we can try to put things in perspective. We need to ask ourselves just how much power we want to give to these people's criticism. We might even use a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "none at all," 10 being "lots of it," and 5 being something like "listening for what's valuable, but trusting our own judgment, too."

There is no shortage of critics in this world, so it is likely we will get our share. And, since we all make mistakes or fall short of expectations, there will always be plenty to criticize. Dealing with criticism, then, is one of those life skills we need to master early on, knowing that we will get plenty of practice in using it.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."