Waiting to wed may make stronger marriages

Maybe you read the same newspaper piece I did headlined, "Caution, careers keep more people single." It seems a recent Census Bureau report shows the number of people who have never married is on the rise. In addition, people are delaying marriage a good four or more years longer than previously, often waiting until their late twenties to tie the knot, if at all. The number of couples living together without taking steps to "legalize" their relationship has increased dramatically.

Though I'm sure career demands do play a part, I think our hesitancy about marriage says something else as well.

I have provided premarital counseling to couples for a number of years. And it seems to me that these men and women, a majority of whom are in their late 20s or older, also have a more mature, pragmatic and realistic understanding of life and of marriage than couples in previous decades.

Marriage has never been easy. Even back in the good old days when we married early and stayed married forever, the reality was that many marriages were troubled, at times even destructively so. Certainly we were much more reticent to discuss such problems in public, and divorce was a social taboo only a minority risked violating. Historical research suggests, however, that yesterday's marriages were really not a whole lot healthier than today's.

A second difference goes back to our census report. People are taking time to grow up a bit more, to learn a bit more about themselves and about each other, to get past some of the normal young adult stressors (job, apartment, etc.) before they make a commitment as important as marriage.

When I ask couples planning to marry about the their relationships - their agreements and disagreements, their ups and downs, their satisfactions and disappointments, their hopes and fears - most are able and willing to share such details. They are mature enough, and honest enough, to know and talk about their life together as it really is. They have, in fact, done a good deal of such talking before they ever get to my office. Their commitment to each other is more often built not on a foundation of immature infatuation, but on an understanding and acceptance of who they really are and what life is really about.

Actually, the "starry eyed," "we were made for each other," "I can't live without her/him" couples I used to see a few decades ago are fairly rare now. Perhaps they've gone the way of "That Girl" or "The Love Boat," consigned to fond memories and occasional reruns.

We might lament such a decline in love and romance in our relationships. Perhaps, though, it's not that there is really less love, but simply more real love.

More people are remaining single. And more people are delaying marriage. That's good news.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."