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'Magnificent Seven' remake lacks smarts, cool cast of original

Antoine Fuqua's "The Magnificent Seven" lacks two key components that made John Sturges' 1960 remake of Akira Kurosawa's 1954 classic "The Seven Samurai" a favorite Western staple.

First, a cast of iconic actors radiating the kind of cool you can't buy at the Actors Studio: Steve McQueen, Yul Brynner, a pre-"Our Man Flint" James Coburn, a pre-"Man From U.N.C.L.E." Robert Vaughn, Charles Bronson and Eli Wallach. These guys could stop global warming.

Second, Elmer Bernstein's rousing Western score, a rip-roaring assault that spurs your white-hat adrenal glands to light up a Marlboro cigarette.

Fuqua, perhaps motivated by nostalgia, plays Bernstein's theme over the closing credits, a major mistake, for it only reinforces how relatively uninspiring the late James Horner's final score is on direct comparison.

The new "Magnificent Seven" also suffers from flabby, leisurely editing, but it does offer something Sturges' Western doesn't: the most inept strategist in the history of American Western villains.

Peter Sarsgaard brings his patented brand of sloe-eyed malevolence to Bartholomew Bogue, a ruthless robber baron who drills, shills and kills for gold in a valley occupied by the kind of decent, God-fearin' folks who always need rescuin' in Westerns.

When townspeople rebel against Bogue, his "deputies" shoot a few menfolk and set fire to the church.

Bogue executes unarmed Matthew Cullen (Matt Bomer) in front of his wife, Emma (a luminous Haley Bennett).

Devastated, Emma vows justice, and takes up a collection of the town's disposable income to pay somebody to stop Bogue.

She finds warrant officer Sam Chisholm (Denzel Washington, channeling his inner 1970s Fred Williamson). He takes the job, but for reasons much more than money.

Chisholm goes about gathering his dirty half-dozen: chatty gambler Josh Faraday (Chris Pratt), former Confederate sniper Goodnight Robicheaux (Ethan Hawke), scripture-spouting mountain man Jack Horne (Vincent D'Onofrio), Comanche warrior Red Harvest (Martin Sensmeier), Mexican outlaw Vasquez (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo) and Korean blade master Billy Rocks (Byung-hun Lee).

It's an admirably diverse cast, but one that feels forced and motivated by demographic appeal more than diversity. (In case we're too dense to notice, a Magnificent One announces the group's ethnicities for us.)

The seven good guys kill 22 of Bogue's men, prompting Bogue to dispatch an army of gunslingers.

Here is where he becomes the most inept villain to ever concoct a plan to wipe out a Western town.

He first sends in his men on a cavalry charge. Once they're engaged in building-to-building fighting, Bogue brings out a Gatling gun and proceeds to blast the town to pieces, mowing down townspeople and his own gunslingers.

Why would a savvy business leader like Bogue kill his own men when he needs them to take control of the town?

Then again, the "Magnificent Seven" might refer to the heroes' collective IQ.

Long rifles have far greater range and accuracy than a Gatling gun. Apparently, none of the good guys thought to simply pick off the baddies manning the weapon.

Fuqua's remake should really be titled "The Magnificent Eight" to reflect Bennett's smoldering vulnerability and fierce, soulful determination as the widow on a mission.

She brings sparks and passion to a Western big on lengthy gunfights, tepid bon mots and small .177 caliber characters, but true magnificence?

This movie has no shot at that.

“The Magnificent Seven”

★ ★

Starring: Denzel Washington, Ethan Hawke, Chris Pratt, Haley Bennett, Peter Sarsgaard, Vincent D'Onofrio

Directed by: Antoine Fuqua

Other: A Columbia Pictures release. Rated PG-13 for language, suggestive material and violence. 132 minutes

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