Our children don't need to be just like us
If I'm not careful, my son is going to have to live two lives.
The first will be for himself: exploring his own interests and talents, living out his own dreams and hopes, making mistakes and learning from them, deciding as he matures how he will be whom he chooses to be.
The second will be for me: making up for my failure to explore my interests and talents, living out my dreams and hopes, avoiding the mistakes I made by listening to me, deciding as he matures how he will live his life to suit me and how he will be whom I choose for him to be.
Sound familiar? If we are the father of a son or the mother of a daughter, we inevitably struggle with this tension: do we let our children be themselves, or do we coax, manipulate or force them into becoming clones or puppets of their same-sex parent?
Most of us probably do a bit of both. Whenever possible we encourage and guide our children to become the best they can be. Yet we can't help but point out to them what we feel is best for them. And we do feel a special sense of pride when they're just like us. And we do take secret pleasure when they do something we wish we had done.
Of course we try to hide this, but we can't. Our children know. And they are torn between wanting to please us by being like us, and wanting to be themselves.
Same-sex parents face this dilemma more than opposite sex parents. A dad knows what it is like to be a boy. A mom knows what it is like to be a girl. And Dad sees himself when he looks at his son. Mom sees herself when she looks at her daughter. We just can't avoid it.
What do we do?
Well, first, just knowing we are likely to do this can help us be on guard against it.
Second, the more time we spend encouraging and praising our kids for being themselves, the less time we'll have to focus on them being us.
And third, rediscovering our own childhood dreams, hopes, etc. and investing ourselves in making some of them come true can put the pressure where it belongs. OK, we can't be the high school track star we never were, but we can take up jogging. We can't be the straight A student we are sure we could have been, but we can be a lifelong student.
My son needs to be himself. And he needs to know I'm proud of him for being himself. Sure he needs guidance and correction. But he doesn't need to be me.
• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."