Imrem: Finding new Illini mascot no easy task
Thank goodness the University of Illinois has formed a mascot-implementation committee.
Naming a successor to the dearly departed Chief Illiniwek must be the most pressing issue in this state, just ahead of crafting a budget.
Finding the right mascot is complicated after the controversy that surrounded the previous one.
Oh, sorry, the university still refers to Chief Illiniwek as a symbol rather than a mascot.
(Isn't that sort of like referring to an apple as an orange?)
Full disclosure: I'm an Illinois alum who believes that dispatching the Chief was appropriate, considering that he offended some Indian groups.
The flip side insisted that retiring the Chief pushed political correctness too far … which begs the question of how being correct can be wrong.
A major state university is bigger than something as inconsequential as a mascot.
Look at Indiana University. The Hoosiers rid themselves of their offensive mascot, the big blowhard Bobby Knight, and the school survived.
This subject is important because the right mascot would be merchandising gold and help Illinois' athletic department pay off all those contract settlements with failed coaches and flawed administrators.
Making the right choice might require a compromise of two mascots in one. Just be careful, though, and avoid combining caricatures of both Bruce Rauner and Mike Madigan.
Those two government officials would beat up on each other instead of cracking a Buckeye over here and trapping a Badger over there.
Maybe it's better to stick to a one-headed mascot.
As someone who makes major donations to Illinois of up to $5 at a time, I would appreciate it if the school honored me.
Dress the mascot as a short, Jewish, sports-writing clown and have him run around stadiums and arenas like his head was imploding on deadline.
No, no, no, that wouldn't work. Countless groups representing short people, Jewish people, sports writers and clowns would protest.
My next thought - these types of thoughts do come to Illinois grads who have no lives - was a mascot dressed as legendary train robber Jesse James making for an easy transition from the Chief to the Thief.
Too silly, you say? The Federation of Armed Robbers would file suit? Even more student-athletes would feel emboldened to break the law?
OK, let's move on.
The next thought was to go the route of the irascible Stanford University marching band, whose mascot is an El Palo Alto tree.
My choice would be the catalpa, but, alas, conservationists would object to objectifying lumber and leaves.
As you can see, this isn't as easy as it appeared to be.
Watchdogs surely will protest the mascot-implementation committee's implementation of any mascot that walks on two legs or crawls on four.
Eliminate from the short list of state historical figures like Honest Abe and your crooked governor of choice.
Wait, here's a novel idea: How about the mascot being a textbook?
Dress a student in as many chapters as you want and designate it as the face of this particular institution of higher learning.
Maybe all interested parties would be reminded that the emphasis of "college athletics" should be more on "college" and less on "athletics."
mimrem@dailyherald.com