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Superficial brain transplant thriller proves truly 'Criminal'

"You only have half a brain!" a CIA boss screeches at sociopathic killer Jerico Stewart.

Gee, that would make him the smartest man in "Criminal," a cornball thriller that squanders a cast of Oscar-caliber filmmakers and sets back the science of stem-cell research a whole millennium.

Give credit to Ryan Reynolds' CIA agent Bill Pope for being the second-smartest guy in the movie. He dies in the opening scene after Spanish anarchist Xavier Heimdahl (Jordi Molla) jams a super Taser in his mouth to make him talk. (Excuse me, Mr. X, but if you Taser an agent's tonsils, how can he tell you what you want to know?)

Pope's CIA boss Quaker Wells (Gary Oldman, barking imperatives while on too many cups of joe) is distraught because Pope was supposed to deliver a satchel of ransom money to a sweaty Dutch hacker code-named "the Dutchman" (Michael Pitt) apparently to keep him from recycling the overused plot of bypassing security codes and firing off American missiles to strategic targets.

Only Pope knew the Dutchman's location. How can Wells extract that information?

He goes to experimental neurosurgeon Dr. Franks (Tommy Lee Jones).

Franks (short for Franksenstein?) can actually transfer memories from one brain to another. At least in rats.

That turns out to be ideal because convict Jerico Stewart (Kevin Costner, amplifying his prison-tough inmate from "Perfect World") is a big rat, a low-IQ Hannibal Lecter incapable of feeling empathy after being thrown out of a car window by his dad.

With Pope's neurons drilled into his brain, Stewart begins to experience the agent's memories of his wife Jill (Wonder Woman Gal Gadot) and adorable little daughter Emma (Lara Decaro).

Stewart is puzzled by how he suddenly knows how to do secret agent stuff, such as speak fluent French and operate computers and weapons.

He even remembers security codes to Jill's house, where he goes to apparently rape her, but a flood of intimate memories stops him.

"Bill could never hurt you," he tells Jill, "so neither can I."

Little Emma is the first to realize that the murderous home invader is more like Dad than a psycho, so she instantly snuggles up to him, creating a creepy vibe clearly not intended by Israeli-born director Ariel Vromen.

Stewart's transformation from kills to cuddles happens too quickly, and the "Bourne Identity" speed at which this superficial thriller travels doesn't allow the necessary time to establish newfound emotions and moral sense.

"Having your man in my head made me feel things," Stewart confesses to Jill. "Right. Wrong."

At least Reynolds' stem cells were harnessed for a greater good here than in "The Change-Up" in which he exchanged brains with Jason Bateman.

“Criminal”

Starring: Kevin Costner, Gal Gadot, Ryan Reynolds, Gary Oldman, Tommy Lee Jones, Antje Traue

Directed by: Ariel Vromen

Other: A Lionsgate release. Rated R for language, violence. 113 minutes

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