Today's two-career families face their own challenges

The two-career family is hardly an oddity. Recent statistics suggest that, in a large majority of families, both husband and wife will work outside the home for most of their married life.

Why? First, it's a simple matter of economics. With the double-digit inflation of the late 1970s and early '80s, most families had trouble just staying even, let alone getting ahead. Two incomes became a necessity to maintain even a moderately comfortable standard of living.

Though inflation has certainly cooled, wages have not really caught up. Prices remain high for many good and services when you compare the "real" earning power of the dollars we bring home. And layoffs, the movement from higher-paying manufacturing jobs to lower-paying service sector jobs, rising taxes (social security, state, local, etc.), skyrocketing education costs, all contribute to the pressure on family finances.

Second, women are more and more aware that careers outside the home offer them a variety of challenges and a sense of accomplishment, which they find both attractive and important to their development as whole individuals. I'm not implying that managing a household and raising children don't offer challenges and feelings of accomplishment. Many women are finding, however, that it is sometimes important that they expand beyond these traditional roles.

Third, with the frailty of marriages in this day and age, most women are also well-aware that they cannot count on a husband to always be the sole financial support for them or their children. It is necessary that women develop their own job interests, experiences and skills sufficiently to do well economically (not just survive) if their marriages fail. Such development almost always requires that women stay active in the workforce to some degree during marriage and child-rearing.

Those are three good reasons two-career families are here to stay. Yet such families face a host of challenges radically different from those faced by families during the days when single careers were the norm. For example:

• Family roles and responsibilities. No longer do words like "breadwinner" or "housewife" fit in two-career families. Work outside the home is no longer a male domain, work inside cannot be solely a female calling.

Though some couples have actually tried to play out these traditional roles despite the women's career demands, such an approach cannot work. It can only lead to exhaustion on the part of women, and anger at the unfair burden they carry.

A more creative solution involves taking a look at all the responsibilities in maintaining a family (both inside and outside the home), and dividing these up fairly, without worrying about what is "men's work" and "women's work." Though both spouses will certainly feel overburdened at times, at least it is an equal burden.

• Career priorities. Because of past stereotypes, it is tempting to see husbands' careers or jobs as more important than those of their wives. When it comes to accepting a transfer that involves a major relocation, or investing time and money in going back to school, men come first.

That's a dangerous assumption. Though sometimes economics dictate giving priority to the job that pays the most, as much as possible two-career families need to give equal weight to both spouses' aspirations and plans. This will necessarily mean that one partner or the other's needs and wants will take a back seat now and then, but in the long run a sense of balance is important.

• Child care. Most two-career families have children. In fact, the cost of raising children is one of the dramatically increasing expenses that make it necessary for many families to have two incomes.

A great deal has been written about the pluses and minuses of day care. We don't have space to review it all here. Some points, however, are worth repeating.

First, most researchers agree that children do well when cared for by parents working alternate shifts or by relatives or close friends, or private sitters. Yet this is an option available to only a limited number of families.

Day care, when provided in well-staffed and equipped centers, also seems to be acceptable for a majority of children. There is even some evidence that it assists in their developing social skills at an earlier age.

Finally, whether child-care is provided by friends, family or professionals, the most crucial element is the knowledge, experience and approach of the people providing it. Children need a positive, affirming, stimulating and consistent environment in whatever setting they are cared for. It is a major, and often incredibly difficult, task for parents to find and monitor such child-care settings.

• Intimacy. Often, it does seem to take a back seat to almost all other demands on two-career families. In intimacy I include all the elements - physical, emotional, intellectual, social, recreational and spiritual - that go into a healthy, growing relationship. Such intimacy takes time, energy and investment - all commodities in short supply in two-career families. It is essential, then, that family members are very aware of the commitments they make and put a high priority on maintaining and building intimacy in their families. It is very easy for two-career families to wind up being simply two careers.

• Privacy. The other side of the intimacy coin is our need for time for ourselves as individuals. How to find such time among the demands of jobs, marriage, child-rearing, household tasks, etc., is beyond many of us. But it must be found if we are to remain sane.

When it gets puts down on paper, it looks a bit overwhelming, doesn't it? Yet it is an arrangement many of us are trying to make work. It can be done, but it may be one of the most severe tests of our families' resources we will ever face. If you are contemplating, or living, such a lifestyle, you might want to use the above ideas as a basis for your own discussion of what you need to do to ensure that you, your spouse and your children remain healthy amid the challenges of the two-career family.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."