Constable: Canada might need a huge wall after Election Day

We've all heard somebody say, “If (insert name of a horrific U.S. presidential candidate here) actually gets elected president, I'm moving to Canada,”

That sure sounds like a hunky-dory escape plan. Canada has free health care, limits on campaign funding, beautiful scenery, guaranteed maternity leave, its own style of bacon, a pro football league where the Bears might qualify for the playoffs, walleye sandwiches, crisp ginger ale, a better view of Niagara Falls, more maple syrup, less gun violence and a national anthem that you don't have to be Lady Gaga to sing well.

Guilty of the same arrogance shown by some of our U.S. presidential candidates, we Americans assume that Canada would be thrilled to welcome us into the fold. But “becoming Canadian” isn't as simple as, say, “retiring in Wisconsin,” or “going Hoosier.” Americans can't just eat a Tim Horton doughnut, buy a beaver hat, say the names of Canadian stars William Shatner, Michael J. Fox and John Candy out loud and magically be transformed into Canadians.

The “Government of Canada,” also known as the “Gouvernment du Canada,” has an Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship office that gets the final say about whether we possess what it takes to live north of the border.

Since Nov. 4, 2015, Canada has welcomed 21,313 Syrian refugees. In 2014, Canada let in just 8,496 U.S. citizens as permanent residents of Canada and bestowed Canadian citizenship on only 7,357 Americans. Still, that's nearly double the number of Americans granted Canadian citizenship in 2010, when the United States ranked behind China, Colombia, England, India, Pakistan and the Philippines, and barely ahead of Iran, in the number of immigrants who became citizens of Canada.

To apply for immigration or citizenship with the Canadian government, you need to visit www.cic.gc.ca and fill out forms. Before going to all that bother, you might want to use the “Am I a Canadian Citizen?” tool, which comes in handy if you were born in Canada to an American mother while your Cuban father was working in Canada.

The fast-track path takes about six months, if you are an upstanding U.S. citizen with a skill set needed for a job in Canada. Other applicants can wait three years for a decision.

“Canada has a great job market, with plenty of opportunities,” the website reads, while noting that the U.S. dollar buys a lot more with today's currency exchange rates. “You'll appreciate the natural beauty of our country and our clean, friendly cities. … We're proud to be a peaceful nation with a low crime rate. We promote a free and fair society with equal opportunity for everyone.”

So get your application in this summer if you want to be out of here by Inauguration Day in January.

In the meantime, you can check out Canada on vacation. A radio personality on Cape Breton Island, off the east coast of Canada, set up a cbiftrumpwins.com website to lure U.S. citizens who vow to move if Donald Trump becomes our next president, and he seems to have tapped into a vein of interest.

Last year at this time, the cbisland.com tourist website was getting about 1,200 visits a week from U.S. users.

“We had just under 300,000 last week,” Mary Tulle, CEO of the tourist agency, said Monday. “We have received more visits to our tourism website in less than a week than we did all last year.”

The island population has fallen to around 130,000 due to declines in the coal and steel industries, but “it's delightful,” Tulle says. The island boasts breathtaking scenery, stunning cliffs, top-notch sailing, The Gaelic College, a thriving First Nation culture and a golf course that Golf Digest ranked as the world's best new golf course in 2015, ahead of Trump Golf Links Ferry Point.

“Our tagline is, 'Your heart will never leave,'” Tulle says.

The radio personality's website playing off a Trump victory advised, “Start now, that way, on Election Day, you just hop on a bus to start your new life in Cape Breton, where women are legally able to choose an abortion, Muslim people can roam freely, and the only 'walls' are holding up the roofs of our extremely affordable houses.”

But not every Canadian is thrilled with the prospect of disgruntled Americans heading for the border. Pondering our list of candidates, American writer and Canadian resident Chris Cannon and Canadian actor Brian Calvert at AmericaButBetter.com ask, “Did America lose a bet?”

Their “Canada for President” campaign suggests that all 34 million of “the politest people you'll ever meet” could work in shifts as the new U.S. president. In the meantime, their video shows them using concrete blocks to build a huge wall on Canada's southern border.