Gire: 'Witch Hunter' a not-so-fast-or-furious Diesel vehicle

Ancient witch hunters arrive at the sprawling dark magic tree to kill the evil Witch Queen.

"She will never be dead until her heart has beat its last!" one of them shouts.

Uh, wait a minute. Doesn't everyone's heart have to beat its last in order to be dead?

OK, we can reasonably assume that Aaron Sorkin did not write the screenplay to "The Last Witch Hunter," a not-so-fast and not-so-furious sword and sorcery vehicle for action star Vin Diesel.

He plays Kaulder, an 800-year-old warrior dedicated to eradicating evil witches out to harm humans. (Presumably, Glinda the Good Witch can rest easy.)

The inspiration for this adventure came from Diesel and his fascination with the fantasy role-playing game, "Dungeons and Dragons."

(As a former D&D enthusiast myself - back when players carefully charted their progress on old-fashioned graph paper - I can attest that the characters in "Last Witch Hunter" possess the same depth and complexity as those from the board game.)

"Last Witch Hunter" opens with Diesel's Kaulder killing the Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht, throwing her decomposing body and emaciated soul into her role), whose last words seal his non-doom.

"I curse you!" she spits. "You will never die!"

Kaulder spends the next eight centuries as a supernatural assassin for the ancient brotherhood of the Axe and Cross, dedicated to protecting humanity from dark magic, which, according to Kaulder, is "worse than evil."

"There are shades of evil everywhere!" Kaulder wisely observes.

A special order of priests called the Dolans has been assigned to work with Kaulder and protect him. Dolan No. 36 (Michael Caine, channeling Batman's Alfred) is retiring, so Dolan No. 37 (Elijah Wood with a nasty haircut) can step up to fulfill his collared calling.

Then, just like most movie cops who croak right before they retire, Caine's Dolan mysteriously dies.

Uh, wait a minute! Kaulder discovers traces of magic at the death scene. He determines that Caine's Dolan isn't really dead, he's been cursed! To bring his friend back to life, Kaulder must locate and kill the witch who administered the curse.

Of course, not all witches are baddies. Take Chloe ("Game of Thrones" actress Rose Leslie), a fetching, redheaded witch who runs a Memory Bar, a strange place resembling an opium den at Hogwarts.

Chloe becomes Kaulder's second sidekick, one with better-looking hair than Dolan No. 37. She saves Kaulder from an evil Dream Walker who puts the hero into a deadly dream state.

"Wake up or you're going to die!" she screeches.

Uh, wait a second. Didn't we already establish that the Witch Queen cursed him so he can never die? Why do characters keep threatening to kill a man they know can't die?

This is just one of many perplexing facets to the confusing, exposition-heavy screenplay by Cory Goodman, Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless, who constantly force characters to explain things to each other that they should already know.

Actually, "Last Witch Hunter" contains a surprising amount of humor. (Kaulder asks, "What do you have to be afraid of?" Chloe replies, "Public speaking,") Yet, Breck "The Crazies" Eisner doesn't seem to realize he's directing what should have been a hilarious, campy comedy.

Instead, Eisner turns Kaulder into a silly James Bond wannabe who seduces beautiful flight attendants and drives a flashy set of hot wheels on his secret Axe and Cross assignments.

This sort of makes sense, given that this PG-13 movie has been made for 12-year-olds who prefer frenetic action sequences to genuine emotions and real romance in a game-inspired fantasy heavy on dungeons, light on the dragons.

“The Last Witch Hunter”

★ ½

Starring: Vin Diesel, Michael Caine, Rose Leslie, Elijah Wood

Directed by: Breck Eisner

Other: A Summit Entertainment release. Rated PG-13 for violence. 105 minutes