Comic horror tale 'Goosebumps' ducks scares
Rob Letterman's tepid horror comedy "Goosebumps," based on R.L. Stine's popular series of supposedly young adult scary books, clearly targets an even younger demographic: indiscriminating kids who should be sufficiently amused by the story's breakneck speed, myriad CGI creatures and one-dimensional characters who squander two whole Ds in this 3-D feature.
I'm guessing that Letterman wanted "Goosebumps" to be something like Joe Dante's "Gremlins," about teenagers dealing with multiplying beasties when they get wet.
But "Goosebumps," despite its enticing title, remains curiously devoid of actual scares and honest emotions. Nobody appears to be in any real danger, despite being chased by werewolves, zombies, yard gnomes and an Abominable Snowman.
Instead of adapting one of Stine's 300-plus books for this movie (giving Columbia Pictures a never-ending supply of source material), screenwriter Darren Lemke, operating from a story by Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, throws them all into a single convoluted narrative stew.
The resulting movie doesn't bore, yet it fails to enthrall. Some jokes are funny, but none achieves true wit. Romance? It's there, but treated as a contractual obligation awkwardly performed by the actors.
"Goosebumps" stars the likably bland Dylan Minnette as teenager Zach Cooper. He and his widowed mom (Amy Ryan) have just moved to Madison, Delaware, where she has taken a new job as a vice-principal.
At school, Zach has trouble fitting in, especially after his mom bombs while attempting to perform comedy during her student body address.
Things couldn't be worse for Zach, until he gets a gander at the girl next door. She's Hannah (Odeya Rush). a sweet-natured adolescent living with her creepy dad, a black-swaddled nutjob who could easily fit into an updated broadcast of "The Addams Family."
He turns out to be R.L. Stine, a twitchy, eccentric control freak played by Jack Black, impersonating a hand grenade that wants to explode, but nobody will pull the pin.
Fiercely protective of his sheltered daughter, Stine tells Zach to stay away from Hannah, or else.
Apparently not understanding the "or else" part, Zach and his new nerdy buddy Champ (Ryan Lee, channeling Duckie from "Pretty in Pink") break into Hannah's house after fearing something bad has happened to her.
They discover a collection of Stine's original books, each one locked. Before you can say, "Don't unlock that book!" Zach does, releasing a giant Abominable Snowman that chases them through town until he inexplicably disappears inside a hockey rink.
When Slappy the homicidal dummy escapes, he takes command of the monster army he assembles by freeing all of Stine's literary creatures, then burning their books so the beasties can't be forced back on to the printed pages.
The invasion targets the Madison High School prom where students and teachers perform some serious physical education, running from a giant preying mantis and other monstrosities destroying government properties.
Worse, the poor humans must withstand a barrage of verbal clichés ("Awesome!" "Go! Go! Go! Go!" and endless utterances of "Seriously") plus visual crutches, including an amusement park with a Ferris wheel homage to Steven Spielberg's critical flop "1941."
Halfway through "Goosebumps," Hanna starts a sentence by saying, "There is too many." Wait just a second.
She's a professional writer's daughter. She doesn't know how to use the verb "are"?
Seriously?
“Goosebumps”
★ ★
Starring: Jack Black, Dylan Minnette, Odeya Rush, Ryan Lee
Directed by: Rob Letterman
Other: A Columbia Pictures release. Rated PG. 103 minutes